


The Right Thing

by felineranger



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Blood and Gore, F/M, cos i can't resist, wee hint of slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-17 09:28:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 21,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4661502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Series X</p><p>The crew respond to a distress call and Lister finds himself in a tricky position.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

                Lister and Rimmer were sitting side-by-side on the couch in their quarters binge-watching an old TV show when Kryten’s face replaced the action on the screen. “Sirs, I’m sorry to interrupt your monthly marathon but I think you should come to the drive room immediately.”

“Right now?” Rimmer protested, “The sexy blonde with the secret powers she can’t understand or control is just about to have sex with the beardy bad guy, who she doesn’t know is a villain who’s plotting to use her powers against the other bad guy, who _he_ doesn’t know is actually his half-brother by the guy who murdered his family.”

“This show is so complicated, Sirs. I don’t understand why you’re both so obsessed with it.”

“It’s not that complicated,” Lister insisted, “They have a family tree in the opening credits so you can remember who is related to who, even if the characters don’t know.”

“But from what I’ve seen, the characters all seem to end up having sex with each other regardless of how they’re genetically linked!”

“Well, it’s set in an alternate medieval universe, Kryten,” Rimmer said earnestly, “You can’t expect them to have the same social taboos as us.”

“At least _some_ would be nice though, Sir.”

Lister squirmed and cleared his throat. “Do we really have to come right now?”

“We’ve picked up a distress beacon. I thought you would be keen to investigate.”

                Lister instantly straightened up. “A beacon? Is it recent?”

“First transmission three weeks ago, Sir.” Lister scrambled to his feet.

“Do you think it’s Kochanski?”

“I haven’t been able to establish contact, but the beacon does not come from Blue Midget or any other vessel with a Red Dwarf call-sign, I’m afraid. It originates from a Class 4 research ship: the _SS Kafka_.” Rimmer observed Lister’s shoulders slump with disappointment and, for a millisecond, his eyes may have shown concern. “We should check it out anyway,” he remarked, “They might have seen her. You never know.”

“Yeah,” Lister said heavily, stuffing his hands into his pockets dejectedly as they headed out, “You never know.”

                They tracked down the Cat and the four of them took Starbug and made their way to the nearby asteroid that the signal originated from. They spotted the _Kafka_ from a relatively high altitude. It wasn’t the size of Red Dwarf, but it was still big enough to swallow Starbug. The ship was wedged precariously in black craggy rocks along the coast of a choppy shoreline. Its silver hull looked scarred and battered. Lister leaned over the monitor and surveyed the damage with pursed lips. Bad as it looked, he’d wager it was mostly cosmetic damage, but until they got down there he couldn’t be sure. As they approached, the landing bay doors opened for them, suggesting that at least some of the ship’s operating systems were still functional.

                Once inside, they strolled down Starbug’s exit ramp and a large screen high on the wall lit up. A droid stared down at them, more human-looking than Kryten, but with a smooth shiny metal skull plate. “Sirs, I am most grateful to you for responding to our distress call. As I’m sure you can imagine, we did not hold out much hope of a response. Please take the elevator to the central drive room on the main deck and I will explain all to you there.” The screen went dark.

“We,” Lister repeated, “He said ‘we’ didn’t hold out much hope.”

“Don’t get overexcited,” Rimmer said cautiously, “They could all be droids. Or GELF’s. Let’s just wait and see what we find when we get up there.”

                When the lift doors opened into the wide expanse of the main drive room, the droid was standing patiently by the main console in the centre of the room waiting for them. And so was someone else. Lister froze in shock. “You are most welcome, Sirs,” the droid told them warmly, “I am Darwin, the ship’s mechanoid. Thank you again for coming to our aid.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Kryten bowed graciously, “We are pleased to offer any assistance we can. My name is Kryten, and this is Mr David Lister, Mr Arnold Rimmer and Mr Cat of the JMC mining ship _Red Dwarf_.” Lister wasn’t listening. His eyes were fixed on the person standing by the console, just as theirs were fixed on him. “And who is this?” Kryten enquired politely.

“This is my ward, Hope,” Darwin explained, gesturing to the pretty young woman with short blonde hair behind him. She stepped forward shyly and held out her hand to Lister. He shook it silently, lost for words.

“Your ward?” Rimmer asked.

“I was alone for many years after the last of this ship’s crew passed away. One day I was trawling a wreck for salvage and heard a strange sound. When I investigated, I found a small child hiding away, weeping. I could only assume that her parents had perished in the accident that befell the ship, so I brought her back with me and raised her here. The name Hope seemed appropriate.”

“How fortunate for you both to have found each other,” Kryten remarked, clearly touched.

“Yes,” Hope smiled, rolling her eyes, “God knows how Darwin would have survived without someone to nanny over the last twenty-odd years.”

“To have a human to serve and protect is the greatest purpose a droid can have,” Darwin reprimanded her gently.

“Yes, yes, I know, I know. And you’ve done a splendid job. I am 100% not dead,” she teased.

                Lister’s mind started to chug slowly back into action. “I’m sorry,” he said to her, “It’s just such a shock to meet another human being out here.”

“Tell me about it,” she smiled wanly, “Up until recently, I spent my whole life thinking I was the only one left.”

“Yeah,” Lister echoed faintly, “Sounds familiar. How have the two of you survived by yourselves?”

“The ship is mainly self-repairing,” Darwin explained, “I’ve taught Hope as much as I can over the years about basic maintenance – wiring, welding, that kind of thing – and we’ve muddled along between us.”

“Not much has ever really gone wrong before, to be honest,” Hope added, “We’ve really been very lucky.”

“So what happened?” Cat asked, “Did you crash?”

“No,” Darwin shook his head, “We had a minor electrical problem that was causing intermittent power outages. It should have been simple to fix - ”

“ - And technically it was.” Hope chipped in.

“We landed here to try and minimise any risk of serious issues while we dealt with it. But the cliffs gave way beneath us and the ship fell down onto the rocks. Now we can’t get her up again.”

“Let me see the damage report,” Lister offered and Darwin showed him over to the console.

                Lister leaned over the monitor and began to scroll through the report. “Looks like the port side engine took a bit of a knock in the fall. I should be able to patch it with some supplies from the _Dwarf_ ,” he said cautiously.

“Really?” Hope asked eagerly, “You can do that?”

“I’ll give it a go. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?”

“That would be much appreciated,” Darwin said gratefully.

“While we’re stuck down here though, we should really up the security,” Lister warned, straightening up. “We’re sitting ducks for any type of scavenger party. Your systems just let us straight into the landing bay without even a handshake.”

“Oh no,” Hope said, surprised, “Don’t worry about that. We’re secure. We let you in.”

“Why? I know you’re in a fix, but we could have been anyone. Simulants even.”

“Our mid-range scanners read your ship’s call-sign,” Darwin reassured him, “We knew you weren’t a threat.”

“How?” Lister asked puzzled.

“Because I told them,” Kochanski said softly from the doorway.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

            “Could you please give us a minute?” Kochanski asked quietly.

“Of course,” Darwin flicked a hesitant glance at Lister then bowed out. Hope followed him discreetly. Kriss turned her gaze on the members of the Starbug crew behind Lister, “ _All_ of you,” she said meaningfully.

“Call that gratitude?” Rimmer sniffed, “After we’ve spent all this time trailing after you? Nice to see you too!”

“Get out.” Lister didn’t take his eyes off Kochanski but there was no arguing with that voice. The three of them exchanged glances and slunk silently out of the door.

            Lister and Kochanski faced each other across the room. “You’re here,” he said, somewhat unnecessarily. His voice wavered uncertainly, as though expecting her to disappear like a mirage. “You’re sober,” she replied pointedly. Lister winced and Kochanski’s expression softened, but it didn’t thaw entirely. “Has it really taken you _this_ long to get your head straight enough to come and find me?” she asked him despairingly.

“I would have come sooner but I was held up a bit by Kryten telling me you were dead.”

“ _What_?”

“He told me you’d been sucked out of a malfunctioning airlock. I only found out the truth a few months ago.”

“That sly square-headed metal bastard!” Kriss fumed, “He probably wishes I had been!”

“He was just trying to spare my feelings.”

“And seize his opportunity to have you to himself once and for all!”

“Come on. That’s not fair.”

Kriss snorted, “Why am I even surprised? You always take his side.”

“I’m not taking sides! I wasn’t happy when I found out, believe me. I mean…” he backtracked quickly, “…of course I was happy you weren’t dead. I wasn’t happy about the lying. But I can’t be angry with him for wanting to protect me. If it wasn’t for me he’d never have been able to lie in the first place, so I suppose I only have myself to blame.”

“Yes. I suppose you do.”

            There was an awkward pause. “You look…well,” Lister told her shyly. She unfolded her arms and looked him over. “So do you,” she said after a moment of consideration, “Have you stopped drinking?”

“I haven’t _stopped,_ ” he gave an uncomfortable shrug. She rolled her eyes. “But it’s under control,” he insisted.

“I’ve heard that before.”

“Ask the guys.”

“Like they won’t cover your back.”

“Ask _Rimmer_.” That earned him a grudging smile.

“I must admit,” she told him more warmly, “There is _something_ different about you.”

“Good different?”

“Yes,” she searched his face, “But I can’t quite tell what.”

“Some stuff happened since you left.”

“Some stuff?”

“It’s a long story. And it’s a bit weird and very complicated but…I learnt some things about myself.”

“Like what?”

“Mainly that I still want to live.”

Kochanski raised her eyebrows, clearly surprised by his frankness, but the smile that followed was genuine. “It’s really good to hear you say that,” she told him tenderly.

Embarrassed, Lister shuffled and shoved his hands into his back pockets. “I can probably get the engine back up and running in a couple of days. With some help.”

“I know,” she replied.

“What happens then is up to you really.”

“Meaning?”

“It seems nice here. The ship is much newer than Red Dwarf. But you’re welcome to come back with us, if that’s what you want.”

Kriss blinked at him, “I’m sorry?”

“If you want to come back to _Red Dwarf_ …”

“I heard what you said.” There was an edge to her voice. “Hasn’t it occurred to you that maybe you could stay here? A new home? New friends?”

“It’s not my decision.”

“Whose is it?”

“Everyone’s. They might not want us here. The guys might not want to stay. And yours, of course.”

“Mine?”

“You decided to leave,” Lister told her evenly, “If you want to keep to that decision, I’ll respect it.”

“If you don’t want me back, Dave, then why are you here?” she asked, affronted.

“We picked up a distress signal. I didn’t know who it was.”

“I thought you were looking for me!”

“We were. I _was._ ”

“Why? If you don’t give a smeg what I decide to do?”

“I didn’t say that!”

“Then what _are_ you saying?”

“I’m saying…” Lister paused, trying to arrange his thoughts, “I know I’ve been stupid. I know I let things spiral. I know I’ve been a useless, self-absorbed mess, but I want to make things right. And I wanted you to know you had a choice.”

Kriss studied his face. Lister wasn’t sure what she wanted to see. “And if I made my choice,” she asked stiffly, “you’d just…walk away?”

“If that’s what you really wanted,” Lister replied carefully.

“What do _you_ want?” she asked, her voice tight.

“I want _you_ to be happy.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t…talk in circles. Be straight with me.”

“I am.”

“No, you aren’t!” she exploded, “You never are! You can never just _say_ …”

           A deafening scraping, cracking sound thundered through the ship and the floor suddenly tipped violently beneath them, knocking them both off their feet. Lister just managed to catch hold of Kochanski as they both plummeted backwards, and pulled her against his chest, shielding her from the impact of the fall as his back hit the wall behind them hard. Darwin scrambled into the room, which was now tilted at an alarming 45 degree angle, followed by the rest of the two crews, and went straight to the damage report machine.

“Are you guys okay?” Hope asked anxiously.

“Yeah,” Lister croaked, gently rolling Kochanski off him and hauling himself unsteadily to his feet, “No worries.” Kriss gave him a small sheepish smile.

“It’s the port side engine!” Darwin announced with dismay, “It’s come disconnected from the fuel line – the whole damn thing is hanging loose. It’s pulling us down on one side, we’re taking in water.”

“Where?” Lister joined him at the computer.

“Only in the hold right now, but it won’t take long before the pressure gets too much and it ruptures the fuel tanks.”

“Okay,” Lister straightened up “Let’s grab the welding gear and get out there. You as well, Hope. I’m going to need you to give me a quick guided tour.”

“Do you know what you’re doing?” Kriss asked anxiously.

“I’ve helped Ace reconnect a fuel line before.”

“On Starbug!” Rimmer protested.

“It’s a bigger job, but the principle should be the same.”

“A bigger job?” Rimmer brayed, “You’re talking about an immense difference in scale!”

“We’ve got to try! If we do nothing then the whole ship’s scrap anyway, what’ve we got to lose?”

“Agreed,” Darwin straightened up. “Let’s get out there. I’ll get the skutters to bring out the heavy machinery.”

“Will you be okay?” Lister asked, “It’s pretty wet out there.”

“I am fully waterproof, Mister Lister. I will assist you however I can.”

“Brutal,” Lister squared his shoulders, “Let’s get suited up.”

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

            Over an hour later, the three of them staggered back into the drive room. “How did it go?” Kochanski asked anxiously.

“Good,” Lister dropped his gear and slumped wearily into a chair. “It’s sorted. The skutters are pumping out the flood water now.”

“You really managed to patch that thing?” Rimmer asked incredulously.

“Not just patch,” Hope told him excitedly, “ _‘That thing’_ is good as new. I don’t know how he did it, but Lister worked magic out there.”

“We’re not done yet,” Lister warned, “It’ll hold for now but it’s nowhere near flightworthy. Nothing more we can do though until it’s dry down there.”

“I must say,” Darwin added, “when we got down there I thought it was a lost cause but you really saved the day.” He patted Lister on the back.

“Ah, well,” Lister said bashfully, “I couldn’t have done it without you guys helping me. And I wouldn’t have known where to start if someone hadn’t shown me what to do a long time ago.” He looked over at Rimmer with a teasing smile. Rimmer rolled his eyes but without much feeling; Lister could see a shadow of a smile on his lips too.

“Well done, Sir,” Kryten clapped his hands, “Now that we’re all back safe and sound and the ship is stable, maybe we should think about having a bite to eat.”

“That sounds like a splendid idea,” Darwin agreed.

“Yeah, count me in,” Lister added, “I could eat a horse.”

“Tell me about it,” Cat groused, “I’m starving over here.”

“You haven’t done anything!” Lister told him, irritated.

“Are you kidding? While you were out there playing around, I’ve been investigating this place. I’m exhausted!”

“Maybe Kriss and I can start making up some rooms for you, so you can have a rest before dinner,” Hope volunteered, “I know Lister’s certainly earned one.” She gave him a warm smile and Lister smiled back. 

“I’m okay. Shower would be good though.”

“Sure. Follow me.”

“And I’ll show you the store room and the kitchen,” Darwin volunteered to Kryten.

“That would be most gracious of you,” Kryten followed him out.

            Hope showed Lister, Rimmer and Cat to empty quarters and distributed clean bedding. While Lister showered, she and Kochanski started to make up a bunk for him. “Was Lister a real big-shot engineer on your ship?” Hope asked, fascinated.

“Erm, no,” Kriss replied as tactfully as possible, “Dave didn’t really discover his aptitude until after the accident.”

“You mean he’s self-taught? He never had any training?”

“I think he’s pieced things together over time, as and when he’s had to. Trial and error can be the best way to learn sometimes.”

“That’s such a shame,” she lamented, shaking out the pillowcases, “What he did out there was incredible.”

“Well, he was never really career-minded,” Kriss remarked, “But I know other versions of him in different dimensions have been very successful.”

“He’s a great guy though, isn’t he?” Hope said enthusiastically.

“He is,” Kriss agreed sadly.

“So,” Hope asked probingly, “what’s the deal with you two?”

“What do you mean?”

“You _know_. You guys obviously had some kind of bust up. I mean, the tension when you walked in was pretty horrendous.”

“It seems,” Kriss narrowed her eyes, remembering the conversation they’d been having before the engine problems interrupted them, “that there was a little misunderstanding when I left.” She’d be having words with Kryten later.

“But, come on. He must have done something major to upset you enough to leave like that.”

“No,” Kriss said awkwardly, wondering how to explain, “No, he didn’t _do_ anything. Things just got too hard.”

“Is this where you say ‘It’s complicated’?” Hope teased, laying out the pillows.

“That’s an understatement and a half,” Kochanski said jadedly.

“So…?”

“He was having some problems. It got too much. Everything got too much. For both of us.”

“Well, he seems fine now,” Hope chirped happily, “You should have seen him out there. He was so brave. The water was going up and up and it was like he didn’t even notice. He was so calm and focused. It was _amazing_.”

Kochanski slid a sideways glance at the younger woman, “Yes,” she said cautiously, “Well, he’s been in some pretty tight spots before.”

“Really?” Hope asked eagerly, “Like what?”

“Oh, you know,” Kriss said uncomfortably, trying to downplay it, “Things can be rough out here. Simulants. GELF’s. Mutated viruses. Weird space phenomena. The usual.”

“Wow. Simulants?”

“It’s not a big deal,” Kochanski told her calmly, smoothing down the blankets and automatically re-arranging the pillows to the way Lister liked them, “You’ll come across simulants too, sooner or later.”

She looked up from the bed and saw Hope looking towards the bathroom door with sparkling eyes. She frowned. She’d seen that look before; usually on Cat when he’d found a mirror. “Come on,” she said, ushering her out of the room gently, “Let’s go see if they need help with dinner.”

“So...” Hope asked her as they headed back towards the kitchens, “Are you two getting back together?”

“Hope,” she sighed, “I’m not sure we ever really _were_ together. I think we should leave it at that for now.”

“Okay,” she said quietly, “If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure,” Kriss said firmly.


	4. Chapter 4

                Later that evening, the seven of them gathered in the galley to eat dinner together. Kryten and Darwin had made it a special occasion, cooking a three course meal and lighting candles. “This is all a bit fancy,” Lister remarked teasingly, looking around, “I feel like I should have worn a bow tie.”

“Good job _some_ of us know how to keep up appearances,” Cat told him, pointing to his own rhinestone-studded accessory.

“Formal wear isn’t necessary,” Hope told them cheerfully, although she herself had changed into a pretty dress. “It’s just so nice to have some company after all this time.”

“Agreed,” Darwin said, “Not that Miss Kochanski hasn’t been a breath of fresh air too.”

“Yeah…” Lister looked shyly over the table at Kriss, “We didn’t really have time to discuss it earlier, but exactly how long have you been here?”

“Not long,” she said, “Just a couple of weeks. I heard the distress call and stopped to see if I could help; same as you.”

“And before that?”

“Just pottering around in Blue Midget. Doing some exploring. Seeing the universe.”

“That’s all?” Lister asked, his tone far too casual, “Just pottering around? Not, y’know, _looking_ for anything?”

“Like what?” she asked, her voice dangerously polite.

“Oh, I dunno. Linkways. Dimensional tears. Portals that might lead to _other_ dimensions.” Lister sipped his water, not meeting her eyes. He’d made a point of turning down the wine Darwin offered.

“I didn’t come across any,” she said flatly, eyes narrowed.

“I think we could guess that much, seeing as you’re sat here,” Rimmer remarked sourly. Lister and Kochanski both glared at him.

                “Miss Kochanski has shared some very interesting findings with us,” Darwin said enthusiastically, totally unaware of the tension. “She found signs of a human settlement on a small planetoid not far away. Imagine! A settlement this far out.”

“That is interesting,” Lister gave her a tight smile, “Why didn’t you stay with them? We might have found you sooner.”

“There was no ‘them’. The place had been deserted for centuries. I wasn’t going to spend months sitting in an archaeological ruin on the off-chance that you were going to materialise at some point. Which was looking less and less likely.”

“I’m sure we all have a lot of useful information to share with each other now that we’re all assembled,” Kryten interjected in a nervous attempt at diplomacy.

“Yes,” Hope leaned forward, her eyes bright with enthusiasm, “I’d love to know more about some of the adventures you’ve had. Kristine tells me you’ve done all sorts of amazing things.”

“Really?” Lister asked surprised, “She said that?”

“Well, I didn’t put it quite like that…” Kochanski started to say, but Hope was already plowing on.

“She said you’ve fought simulants!”

“Well, yeah,” Lister looked round at the other members of the posse, charmed by her excitement, “We’ve shown the bad-guy bots who’s boss a few times, right guys?”

“Just a few weeks ago, we took out a whole bunch of the dudes in one swoop,” Cat grinned proudly. 

“You did _what_?” Kochanski asked, turning to stare at Lister.

“It’s true. Four whole ships,” Lister told her, “They had us surrounded, but we came up with a genius escape plan.”

“Excuse me. _I_ came up with the genius escape plan,” Rimmer protested, “You just did the shooting!”

“Okay, okay. Rimmer came up with the plan, I just did the macho bit.”

“Wow,” Hope’s eyes were wider than Cat’s grin.

“Not just the simulant dudes either,” Cat was in his element now, “Freaky monsters? You can forget about it. Those dudes are scared of _us_.”

“Monsters?”

“Ah,” Rimmer settled back in his chair, “If we had a penny for every weird beasty that’s ever tried to kill us. Remember the curry monster?”

“And the polymorph!”

“Psirens.”

“Emohawk.”

“Inquisitor.”

“You.”

“I had a holovirus! It wasn’t my fault!”

“Yes, alright,” Kochanski cut in, her arms folded, “Enough now.”

“Why?” Cat asked, “There’s loads more.”

“You’re showing off,” she said irritably, flicking her eyes towards Hope.

“Oh no, tell me more,” Hope pleaded, “Tell me all of it. I’m dying to know.”

“Oh yeah, _dying_ ,” Lister grinned, “We could tell you some stories about that.”

“You _died_?”

“Some of us more than others,” Rimmer grumbled.

“Death? We laugh in the face of death!” Cat preened, “Been there, done that.”

“Are you serious?”

“We’re a hard bunch to keep down,” Lister joked, “How many times have I died now, Kryten?”

“Oh, at least twice, Sir.”

“How extraordinary,” Darwin exclaimed, “Your lives have obviously been a great deal more eventful than ours.”

“You guys are like real-life heroes!” Hope said, practically overflowing with admiration.

“Hey, it’s what we do,” Lister grinned, “Being brave and surviving in a hostile universe.”

“And getting drunk and playing video games in-between,” Kochanski added dryly. Lister clocked her unimpressed stare and looked down bashfully. “Gotta take the odd breather,” he admitted, chastened.

                Kochanski pushed her seat back, “If you lot are going to sit here reminiscing about your incredible exploits, I think I’m going to head back to my room.”

“Don’t go,” Lister said quietly, “I’d still like to hear a little bit more about what you’ve been doing since you left.”

“Oh, but I’ve already heard all about that,” Hope said. She quickly glanced up at Kochanski, “No offence.”

“None taken.”

“I want to hear more about _you_ ,” she told Lister, gazing at him with her chin in her hand.

“Well, okay,” Lister looked over at Kochanski, “But…we _are_ going to talk? Right?” They looked at each other for a very long moment. “Not tonight,” Kochanski finally said wearily, “We’ve all had a long day. Besides,” she threw a sharp look at Kryten, “it’s waited this long. What difference does another night make?”

                Lister watched her go, his expression torn, but Hope tugged at his arm. “Tell me about the curry monster,” she said, “What is that? How did you kill it?” Lister shared a look with the rest of the posse and the smile crept back to his face, “The only way possible,” he said, “With the only thing that can kill a vindaloo…”

 

                A little while later, Kochanski saw Rimmer walking past her door on the way back to his own room. “Party over?” she asked him.

“Yes. You should have stayed.”

“Why? To listen to you lot patting yourselves on the back for how brave and clever you are?”

“A little recognition of the fact wouldn’t go amiss.”

“I suppose I know you all too well to be impressed.”

“I’m sorry you find us so mediocre. I’m sure your own company was far more stimulating.”

“It was a lot less complicated.”

“Good for you. With any luck you’ll have your nice uncomplicated life back in a couple of days.”

Kochanski folded her arms, “Why do I get the feeling that you’d be more than happy with that?”

“You’re the one who buggered off and left. Personally, I don’t know why he didn’t just leave you to it.”

“Well, aren’t you sentimental.”

“This is coming from you?”

“Don’t be like that. I didn’t leave because I didn’t care.”

“What does that matter? The damage you caused stays the same.”

“He was already damaged before I left. You know that as well as I do.”

“You just decided to add a few more cracks.”

“I didn’t know Kryten was going to tell him I’d died!”

“Yes, just dumping him was so much better for his self-esteem.”

“At the time, it didn’t seem like it mattered. I tried everything I could to reach him. I tried being gentle, I tried being tough. I tried reasoning with him, I tried pleading, I tried yelling. Nothing made any difference. You know that. You were there.”

“You should have tried harder.”

“Like you? I didn’t see you going out of your way to help.”

“If he wasn’t listening to you, he wasn’t going to listen to me.”

“Maybe _you_ should have tried harder.”

“Maybe. But out of the two of us, I’m the one who stayed.”

“And did what? Sat by and watched while he drank himself to death? Staying means nothing on its own. What did you actually do to help?”

“I was _there_. You just gave up and left the rest of us to deal with the mess you left behind.”

“I only gave up because _he_ gave up. I don’t know what happened after I left, but it was obviously what he needed and it was nothing I could have done for him, even if I’d stayed.”

                “So what now?” Rimmer asked her, “You come back and we go through the same merry dance all over again? Send him into a spin just now he’s starting to get better?”

“What do you want me to do?” she threw her hands up. “I come back, I’m nothing but trouble. I stay gone, I’m a heartless bitch. Point me in the right direction here. Quite frankly, from what I could gather earlier, he doesn’t seem too bothered what I decide to do.”

“Of course he is. Do you think we’ve followed you halfway across the galaxy for nothing?”

“You tell me. Because he won’t.”

“Here we go. It’s not his fault he’s not as sensitive as ‘your Dave’. Stop trying to make him into something he’s not.”

“That’s not what this is about and don’t you dare try and act like it is. You don’t know as much about me and Dave as you think you do.”

“What is it about then? He just asked you if you wanted to talk. You said no.”

“Because we’ve both had a long day and we both need to think.”

“You’ve had months to think. If you care about him then just talk to him and put him out of his smegging misery. He loves you! He’s always loved you! Don’t you understand that? He’d die for you, and you’re stamping your feet because he won’t throw pretty words at you. He’ll follow you anywhere across time and space, but you’ll toss all that away because he won’t flatter your vanity. Do you really need him to beg? Maybe if you’d stayed at the dinner table tonight to listen to those stories rather than flouncing off, it would have done you some good. Maybe you’d remember how amazing he is, how lucky you are. Instead of hanging around waiting for him to prove himself to you, perhaps you should consider that _you don’t deserve him!_ ”

                Kochanski stared at his flushed face. “You really didn’t want to find me, did you?” she challenged him quietly.

Rimmer straightened up and looked away. “I think you’re more trouble than you’re worth,” he told her crisply.

“I never knew you cared,” she said.

“It doesn’t matter how I feel,” he said dismissively, turning to go with his face still crimson. “He’ll take you back because he’s a romantic fool and if you break his heart again we’ll all end up suffering for it. So do us all a favour. If you come back then make it work. Do whatever you have to, but don’t run away again. And if you decide not to come back then stay gone. Don’t come crawling, months later, begging for forgiveness. Let him move on. Let him go.”

               

Kochanski watched him leave, his words ringing in her ears. She didn’t know anymore what to think or feel or do.


	5. Chapter 5

 

 

            Lister flopped into one of the chairs in his new quarters with a sigh and put his feet up on the table. His mind was whirring with the insanity of the day and he knew he wouldn’t sleep just yet. There was too much to think about. Getting the engine fixed, that had to be priority number one, but after today he was confident it wouldn’t be too difficult. What happened after that was a different story. Staying here on the _Kafka_ would make sense in some ways. The ship was in better condition than _Red Dwarf_ and there was safety in numbers, but Lister struggled with the idea of making this permanent. It might be foolishly sentimental, but _Red Dwarf_ was home – or the closest thing to it. The idea of abandoning the ship upset him more than he’d expected, but could he really ask Darwin and Hope to give up this place instead? Could they put it to a vote maybe? What would everyone else want to do? What would _Kriss_ want to do?

            He looked uncertainly towards the door. Their reunion hadn’t gone as he’d expected. He’d been practicing the scenario in his head for months, but nothing in his life ever went as it was supposed to. He was fairly sure she’d been pleased to see him, but she certainly hadn’t been overjoyed. If it had gone differently, if she’d given him a warmer reception, maybe he would have relaxed and known what to do. Instead he’d frozen up, unsure what she wanted to hear, and even more unsure of what he was supposed to say. He wanted to believe there was still a chance to make things right, but wouldn’t let himself get his hopes up too high. Today had proved they were both still hurting and, even if he was in a better place than he had been for some time, it was obvious the other strains in their relationship (if you could even call it that) were far from resolved. They needed to talk properly and have it out for better or worse. She’d said ‘not tonight’ but did she really mean that, or was it a test? Was she expecting him to be strong and insist they talk, or did she genuinely want some space? If she really didn’t want to talk to him, what did that mean for them?         

            Hope poked her head around the door. “Hey,” she whispered, “Can I come in?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“I’m sorry. You’re probably exhausted and just want to sleep, but I’m still so excited you’re here.”

“I’m glad someone is,” Lister commented ruefully. Hope hopped up to sit on the edge of the table just beside him, and he moved his feet down to make room for her.

“I can’t tell you how cool this is for me, to have new people to talk to, new stories to hear. I keep worrying it’s all a dream.”

“You must have been pretty lonely, all these years,” he said sympathetically.

“I don’t know. It’s all I’ve ever known. It’s more like…the first time you get drunk. You know that drunkenness is a thing that happens, and that people enjoy it, and you want to try it, but until you’re experiencing it for yourself you don’t really get it. I suppose right now I’m people-drunk. This is what it feels like to not be alone. To have conversations. To _choose_ who you want to talk to. It’s like opening a brand new book, but you can walk around in it.”

“It’s just a shame we can’t write our own stories.”

“We can a little bit. I can tell you a joke and make this a comedy.”

“But I might not laugh, and then it would be a tragedy. That’s the downside of being around other people. They don’t always do what you want. You can’t count on a happily ever after.”

            Hope looked down awkwardly, “I don’t understand Kristine,” she said, “I don’t know why anyone would choose to be alone like she did.”

“The up-side of being alone is that no-one can hurt you,” Lister told her sadly.

“Did you hurt her?”

“I don’t know about ‘hurt’. I think I disappointed her.”

“How?”

“I wasn’t the person she wanted me to be.” Lister hesitated before admitting, “And I wasn’t as strong as I should have been.”

“She mentioned you’d had problems.”

“Yeah. You could say that.”

“Once the ship is fixed,” Hope asked nervously, “are you going to leave us?”

“We’ll have a pow-wow when the time comes. It’s something we all need to discuss together.”

“But if you and her…”

“It’s not just about me and her,” Lister interrupted gently, “Don’t worry about that.”

“For what it’s worth, I’d really like us all to stay together,” she told him.

“I’d like that too. But I can’t speak for everyone; and I definitely can’t speak for Kriss. Even if the four of us decide to stay, she might still decide to leave.”

“Even though you’re better now?”

“There’s a lot of strands in that knot. It’s…”

“…Complicated?” Hope suggested with a raised eyebrow.

“Complicated would be an understatement.”

“That’s what she said,” she smiled tentatively.

“What else did she say to you?” Lister asked dubiously.

Hope shrugged, “She kept it vague. It’s obvious there’s a story with you two, but she said you were never really together.”

            Lister took this in, then looked down, hiding his face for a moment. “Well,” he said gruffly after a second or two, “I suppose that’s true.”

“I don’t want to sound like a bitch,” Hope said softly, “but I’m glad to hear it.”

            Lister was never quite sure what happened next. It was possible she performed some kind of secret manoeuvre that can only be accomplished by gorgeous young women. But the next thing he knew, she’d slid off the table and landed lightly in his lap, and a pair of soft lips had closed over his. It took him a moment to register what was happening. Once his brain caught up, he quickly grabbed her by the shoulders and firmly moved her back. “Woah! What are you doing?”

            She immediately blushed red. “I’m sorry! I’ve never done this before! Am I doing it wrong?”

“It? I….? What?” Lister didn’t even know where to start. Most of his thought process was still focused on the warm delicious weight of a pretty girl sitting on top of him.

“I thought maybe if you and Kristine weren’t really a thing then perhaps you might want to…” She squirmed self-consciously on his lap. His lap noticed. “…you know.”

“With _you_?” Lister said stupidly. He saw her face and immediately gave himself a mental slap. “Oh my god. That came out wrong. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. But smegging hell, you’re just a kid!”

“I’m not a kid,” she protested, frustrated, “I’m twenty-two! I’m an adult!”

“You don’t even know me!”

“I know you’re a good guy; Kriss told me so. And I know you’re smart and brave and…and…” She gently ran one of his locks through her hand, “…and sexy.”

            _Oh boy_. Lister laughed nervously, trying to get a handle on the situation, trying to think of something to say. “Well,” he managed, “I can’t argue with any of that.”

“Is it me?” she asked fretfully, “Don’t you like me?”

“Are you kidding?” Lister asked incredulously. “You’re amazing. You’re a beautiful, smart, lovely girl…”

“ _Woman_.”

“Yes, yes, okay. Woman. But listen to me, listen closely, because I promise you this is not modesty talking. _You can do better_.”

“Like who?” she asked, staring down at him meaningfully. And to that Lister had no answer.

            She put her hands on his chest, toying with his shirt buttons and making his heart pound. “Listen to _me_ ,” she pleaded. “I have spent my entire life on this ship. Darwin is all I’ve ever known. He raised me, took care of me, taught me everything I know. He’s the only family I’ve ever had and I love him. But I’ve never had friends. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never been kissed. Can you understand what that’s like? I’m twenty-two and I don’t know what it’s like to kiss someone.”

“For what it’s worth,” Lister joked feebly, “You did very well for a first time.”

“I’ve spent years reading books, watching movies and tv shows and seeing other people fall in love and have sex. Hot sex, angry sex, make-up sex, loving sex, crazy sex.” _Oh god, please stop saying sex_ , Lister thought, trying to remember how to breathe. “Seeing all that passion and knowing that I’ll never experience any of that. That I’ll never know what it’s like to share that with another human being. I’ve always been waiting, hoping against hope that there was still someone out there. Someone who might find me and change that.” She smiled at him tentatively, “And here you are.”

“Oh, Hope,” Lister said, pained. He didn’t want to hear this.

“Please don’t make me go,” she begged. “You don’t need to make me any promises. This doesn’t have to be an ongoing thing. I just…I just want to know what it’s like. Just once. And I don’t think I’ll ever get this chance again. Please.”

            A long ago memory came back to Lister of the early days after the accident. Sitting alone in the empty disco with a cocktail, pretending he could still hear the sounds of his dead crewmates echoing around him. Pretending that his life, as he knew it, wasn’t over. Trying not to think about the fact that he was twenty-five years old and would never ever have sex again. That prediction hadn’t been quite accurate, as it turned out, although moments of intimacy had been extremely few and far between. But at least in the long dry spells he’d had memories. He’d been able to think back over past liaisons and remember how it had been. Hope didn’t even have that. She’d grown up in a vacuum, deprived of almost all human contact. It wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t right.

            Lister closed his eyes and silently cursed whatever sadistic deity controlled his life, because no man should ever be put in this position. Certainly not a man who had spent far too many years alone. This was brutally unfair – on him and on her. But it just felt wrong.

Hope leaned forward. “I’ll do whatever you want,” she whispered, a slight tremor in her voice. Her thighs tightened around him and her warm breasts pressed against the front of his shirt. “Anything at all.” He quickly leaned back and diverted his gaze away from the pleading blue eyes, the soft pink lips.

The woman he loved was sleeping just down the hall. No, they weren’t together. Maybe she was right and they never really had been; but in his head she’d been his wife from the first glimpse of that pinball smile over three million years ago. He should be in there with her, trying to fix things between them. “Hope,” he said heavily, “I can’t believe I’m saying this and, believe me, it pains me more than I can put into words, but I don’t think I can do this. You are so sweet and beautiful and you’ve been dealt such a shitty smeggy hand in life. You deserve so much more; and I wish I could make things better for you, even just in this one small stupid way. But I came here looking for someone else, and I can’t give up on that. Not now I‘ve finally found her again.”

“Even after _she_ gave up on _you_?” Hope asked impatiently. Her voice softened when she saw the hurt in his face. “I’m sorry. She cares about you, I can see that. But she chose for things to be this way and she seems happy for them to stay like that.”

            Lister absorbed this. He hadn’t exactly expected Kochanski to fall into his arms, not after everything that had happened, but he’d hoped in the time apart she might have missed him just a little. But Hope was right, she seemed just fine without him. “She doesn’t need you,” Hope told him quietly, “But she led you to someone who does. She led you to me. Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.”

            Lister didn’t believe in destiny. He wasn’t sure he believed that anything that had befallen the small group of souls on-board this ship had been pre-ordained. They hadn’t been brought together by fate for some greater purpose. But when Hope leaned forward again and caught his lips with hers, her kiss full of shy nervous desire and bittersweet yearning, this time he didn’t push her away. He let it happen; and when she realised he was letting it happen, he felt the excitement and elation run through her like a live spark and it was the most erotic thing he’d experienced in years. He reached up and ran both hands through her hair, down her back, pulled her close to him and kissed her in return with all the skill he possessed. Not because he believed that it was part of some divine plan, or meant to be, or somehow inevitable; but because the universe was cruel and uncaring and unfair and, if nothing else, then this was a rare opportunity for them both. It was a precious chance to share a connection with another, to experience something good for once, to live when so much else of life had been denied to them. Rightly or wrongly, Lister could not bring himself to throw that opportunity away, or deny it to her, and in a situation that was already so wrong maybe there was no right. Just the two of them seizing a moment to be truly human, even if it was only one night. He grasped her firmly, standing up out of the chair and lifting her with him. She eagerly wrapped her legs around him and he carried her over to the bunk. As they sank down together onto the mattress, he murmured “Lock,” and heard the door hum and click closed behind them.

            If either of them had looked up, they would have seen Kochanski standing in the doorway; and her expression as the door closed in her face.


	6. Chapter 6

            The next morning, Lister sat at the table in his room, pensively watching the young woman fast asleep in his bed. He still wasn’t sure how he felt about this. It had been lovely, there was no doubt about that, and he’d done his best to make sure that she had got as much out of the experience as possible, but he was struggling to feel good about what they’d done. From a purely technical perspective he hadn’t actually cheated on Kristine. The age gap between himself and Hope was discomforting, but they were both essentially consenting adults. Yet despite all that, the nagging sense of wrongnesss and guilt still lingered.

            When Hope finally opened her eyes and saw him sitting there, she gave him a sleepy happy smile. It broke Lister’s heart a little, that this sweet young thing should be so starved of company that the sight of a sad middle-aged scrap like him could make her smile like that. “Hey,” she whispered.

“Hey you,” he replied softly. “How ya feeling?”

“Exhausted. But then, I guess that’s to be expected after the day we had yesterday.”

“Yeah. Yesterday was eventful,” Lister agreed, with a small half-smile. He was feeling a bit tired and achy himself. It had been a long time since he’d had that much exercise in a twenty-four hour period.

“It really was,” she said earnestly. “Thank you for also making it wonderful.” Lister didn’t know what his face must have shown when she said those words, but a hint of nervous doubt crept over Hope’s sunny expression. “At least,” she said gingerly, “It was wonderful for me.”

            Lister stood up and went to sit beside her on the edge of the bed. “It was wonderful for me too,” he told her reassuringly. “I don’t know that I’m as good a man as you seem to think, but I’m certainly a very lucky one.” He stroked her blonde hair affectionately and she curled up and put her head on his knee. “Listen,” she said, her eyes averted, “I guess neither of us know what’s going to happen next; if you guys are going to hang around once the ship is fixed, or if things are going to change with you and Kristine, or if you’re just going to go. But I want you to know that…I’d like it if you stayed. Whether you’re with her or not. I like having you here. All of you. Dinner last night with all of us together was so amazing. I don’t want to lose that.”

“Well,” Lister continued to stroke her hair gently, “We’ll see. Everyone needs to discuss it as group.”

“If you stay,” she added very quietly, “And if you and Kristine don’t…y’know…I’ll be here. I mean, I’m not saying you have to choose between us or anything. Just because you’re not with her, doesn’t mean you have to be with me. But I’m here. I just want you to know that.”

“Okay,” Lister didn’t know how to respond to that, so settled for saying, “We’ll see,” again. He stood up, “I’m going to find the others. See if we can get this ship back in the black before the day is out. You coming?”

“No, not yet. I’ll join you soon. I’m just going to stay here for a bit, I think. Get my head around…everything.”

            Lister hesitated before leaving. “Listen,” he said to her awkwardly, “I want you to know, whatever happens with all of this, you’re fantastic. And you deserve so much better. Remember that.”

“And I want _you_ to know, whatever happens,” she looked back at him, her eyes clear and shining, “I’ll never be sorry.”       

           

            He found Rimmer, Kryten and Darwin back in the drive room. “Morning,” he greeted them. “Reckon we can get this kite flying again today?”

“I’d say it’s possible,” Kryten said optimistically, pouring a coffee and handing it to him.

“Probable even,” Rimmer added, “Without any distractions.” He gave Lister a meaningful stare over his coffee cup.

“What’s that look for?” he asked warily.

“Have you had a proper talk with Kochanski yet?”

“Not yet.”

“Don’t you think you should?”

“She didn’t want to know last night.”

“That was last night.”

“Look, I only just got up. I haven’t even seen her yet.”

“I believe Miss Kochanski is in the obs room if you need to speak to her,” Darwin said helpfully.

Lister shifted uncomfortably. “It can wait. We’ve got a lot to do today. We should get started.”

“We didn’t spend months trying to find the woman so that you could play hard to get, Lister.”

“I’m not playing anything! I’m just trying to deal with one problem at a time! Smeg off and mind your own smegging business!”

“Okay, okay.”

“Let me take a look at those blueprints again before I go out there,” Lister said, quickly changing the subject. He needed to get his head together before he even thought about talking to Kochanski. He needed to decide what he was going to say to her; and that had suddenly become (impossible as it seemed) even more complicated.

 

            He spent several hours outside by himself working on the engine. It was only when he reached the point where he literally couldn’t do any more without an assistant, that he ventured back inside. He struggled out of his space suit, headed down the corridor and paused at the junction. He could turn left, head for the drive room and see if Hope or Darwin were around to help him finish up outside. Or he could turn right and go to the Obs room. After a long pause, he sighed and turned right.

            Kochanski was standing in front of a virtual star chart and short range scanner, checking on the local area. Lister stood in the doorway and watched her for a few seconds before speaking. He’d been debating with himself all morning how to handle this. If Hope had been honest with him that she was okay with last night being a one-off, then maybe they could keep it between them. If there was a chance that he and Kochanski could work things out, and Hope really was willing to let them do that, perhaps they could just pretend it never happened. Maybe that would be the best thing for everyone. Although if Kochanski had already made up her mind that they had no future then it wouldn’t make much difference anyway.

            “Hi,” he said quietly. Kochanski turned around and looked at him expectantly. “You ready for that talk?” he asked her.

“It’s a bit late for that,” she said coldly.

“I offered last night.”

“And when I said no, you made your own entertainment. I think that tells me all I need to know.” She turned her back on him and went back to her charts.

Lister gulped. “Entertainment?” he queried cautiously. Maybe she didn’t mean…

“Yes,” she snapped, “The kind where you had sex with someone else. Is that clearer for you?”

Lister’s stomach curled in on itself. _Smeg. So much for it never happened._  “Did she tell you?” he asked gingerly.

“No,” Kriss told him, her voice clipped, “I saw you. I came to your room last night. I wanted to talk to you.”

“I thought you didn’t want to talk last night.”

“It doesn’t matter now,” she replied icily, “You were busy.”

            Lister sighed and slumped back against the wall. _Great. Just perfect._ “If it makes any difference at all,” he told her wearily, “I didn’t chase her. She came to me.”

“Of course she did. She was very impressed by your heroics yesterday.”

“Were _you_?” he pushed optimistically.

“I’ve always known you had great potential,” she told him grudgingly, “But I’m not as easily swayed as a young girl who’s led an extremely sheltered life. And unlike her, I know you don’t have the drive or ambition to back it up.”

“Now you sound like Rimmer.”

“Maybe,” she shot back. “But that doesn’t make it less true.”

“Fine,” he replied, irritated, “But tell me, Kriss, what exactly is the point of either of those things anymore? What good is ambition when there’s nothing out here for me to achieve? What do I have left to aim for?”

            “Ambition,” she said, her voice extremely cool, “does not just apply to a career, Dave. Sometimes it’s just about being the best person you can be. Sometimes it’s about _fighting_ for something you want, rather than waiting for it to fall into your lap. Much like our young friend did last night,” she added bitterly.

“You don’t really have any right to be angry about this, you know,” Lister told her, slightly nervously, “I mean, let’s remember for a moment that _you_ left _me_.”

She turned and glared at him, “Did you actually hear any of what I just said to you?”

“Well, it’s true!” Lister floundered.

“Okay,” Kriss squared up to him angrily, “Even if it is, whatever’s happened between us, the fact that you did the nasty last night with a girl who: A - you’d only just met; B - is very inexperienced and a little overwhelmed by all the excitement yesterday and C - let’s not dance around this – young enough to be your daughter, just because she sauntered into your room and fluttered her eyelashes, is reason enough for me to be a little bit disgusted with your behaviour.”

“That’s not what happened.”

“Oh, really?”

“I tried to talk her out of it.”

“I’m sure you tried very hard.”

“She made a convincing argument.”

“I just bet she did.”

“She told me,” Lister continued firmly, “that she’d never been with a man; and if I turned her away then she probably never would be.”

“Oh, please.”

“Stop and think about it for a moment, Kriss. You and me, we had a glimpse of real life. Not enough maybe, but more than Hope ever got. She’s spent her whole life stuck on the outskirts of the universe with just a droid for company and no prospect of that ever changing. Where does that leave her?”

              “Don’t.” Kriss told him darkly, “Make all the excuses you want, but please do not pretend you were performing some kind of noble selfless act. Whatever she said to you, your reasons for going along with it were hardly pure and altruistic.”

“What should I have done?” Lister challenged her. “Patted her on the head and sent her away to a life of enforced chastity? That’s not fair. Nobody should have to live like that. Believe me, I know.”

“And why deny yourself, right? You know, I’m sure either Rimmer or the Cat would have been more than happy to rid her of her troublesome virginity.”

Lister stared her down. “What’s the poor girl ever done to you to deserve a suggestion like that?”

“Don’t make me out to be the bad guy here,” Kriss snapped, “The girl had options. Not great ones perhaps, but options none the less. _It did not have to be you!_ ”

“I’d have thought you of all people would be more understanding,” Lister told her frostily. “After all, when faced with the same options, you made the same choice.”

                   Kriss stared back at him, wounded. “Is that really what you think?” she asked him.

Lister turned away, shaking his head, “I don’t know. Yes. Maybe it is.”

“Great,” she said shortly, “that’s good to know.”

“Look, what do you want me to say? When you left, I followed you. When I tried to talk, you said no. I’m sorry that you saw what happened last night. I’m sorry you had to find out that way. I’m sorry if it hurt your feelings. But we’re here because of the path _you_ chose.”

“I know I’m not blameless in all of this,” she told him, “but it makes my skin crawl that after what you did, you were going to come in here all sweet and innocent and try to talk things out with me, and just act like it never happened.”

“Yes. I was going to act like it never happened. As far as I’m concerned, it didn’t. It was a one-off thing that happened for very specific reasons and it’s over and done with. I didn’t want it to be a big deal.

“You wanted to have your cake and eat it.”

“I wanted us to have a real chance to work things out!”

“ _Then why did you do it?_ ”

“Because I know what it’s like to be alone! To spend years in isolation! I know how awful and soul-destroying that kind of hopeless loneliness is. It was different for you. You had your Dave. You had someone who loved you. I had _Rimmer_ , for smeg’s sake.”

For a moment, Kochanski looked like she was about to say something in reply to that but thought better of it.

                   “You might think last night was just about a sordid hook-up,” Lister told her, “You might think I was being weak and selfish and maybe even worse, but it wasn’t just about sex. It was about throwing that kid a lifeline. The girl deserved one night in her life to feel whole and human.”

“You can’t expect me to happy about it.”

“I don’t. But what’s done is done, Kriss. I can’t take it back and I’m not sure I would if I could; because even if you hate me for it, even if it means you and me are done for good, I still believe it was the right thing to do. You can either understand that and accept it, or you can’t, but I’m not going to beg for your forgiveness. I don’t need it. After all, we are not together. According to _you_ , we never were.” He met her gaze, waiting for her to argue, to protest, to deny it. When she said nothing at all, he turned and started to walk away.

          Kochanski swallowed hard. “So, you and her,” she called after him, “Is this a thing now?”

“I don’t know.” Lister gave a non-committal shrug. “I guess that’s up to her.”

Kochanski laughed humourlessly and shook her head. “Yep,” she said hoarsely, turning back to the charts, “That sounds about right. It’s always up to someone else, isn’t it, Dave?”


	7. Chapter 7

Lister stomped miserably back to the Drive Room. “Hey, Darwin. Any chance you can help me get things finished off outside?”

“Of course, Mr Lister. Right away.”

Rimmer eyed Lister’s dark expression. “Did you…er…talk to Kochanski?” he asked.

“Yes,” Lister said shortly.

“Ah.” Despite the strong signs suggesting that Lister was not, in fact, giddy with love and happiness, Rimmer tried to force his features into something approaching optimism. “How did it go?”

“Guess,” Lister snapped, stalking out again with Darwin. Rimmer and Kryten shared a brief look of bleak concern, then went back to their work without saying a word.

                Back outside, Lister concentrated all his efforts on getting the engine back online before the day was done. He had the distinct feeling that letting the current situation drag out might get uncomfortable very quickly. The sooner they could evaluate their options and make a firm decision what they were all going to do, the better. Now that they’d pretty much drawn a line under the possibility of a relationship, he no longer had any idea whether Kochanski was going to stay with the flock or make her own way. He was still hoping she might decide to stick around regardless of their issues; he agreed with Hope that it was crazy for her to choose a life of solitude, but he couldn’t make her stay. He was also starting to think it was more and more likely that they were going to end up staying on the _Kafka_ rather than going back to _Red Dwarf_. It was smaller, faster, nimbler and newer. Keeping the _Dwarf_ ship-shape had been an increasing struggle over the past few years, made even harder by the lack of a proper computer to oversee repairs. The speed with which he’d been able to set right even this relatively major problem on the _Kafka_ made it clear that this was the sensible option, but Lister thought with his heart not his head, and his heart said that this place didn’t feel like home.

                When he’d done everything he thought he could, they came back inside to see if their labours had paid off. He, Darwin, Kryten and Rimmer assembled in the drive room and initiated take-off procedures. After some mild initial complaints, both engines rolled into smooth action and the Kafka began to stir from her sharp bed of rocks. “Scan the hull for any breaches,” Lister ordered, “Let’s check there’s no punctures before we take this baby too high.”

“All clear,” Darwin confirmed, “I think we’re safe.”

“Okay then. Let’s bring her up alongside the _Dwarf_. I think it’s time for us all to make some decisions,” Lister said. Part of him still didn’t want to have this conversation, because he didn’t think he was going to like how it ended, but they couldn’t put it off any longer.

“Shall I summon Miss Kochanski, Sir?” Kryten asked.

“Yeah,” Lister agreed with a sigh, “Cat too.”

“I’ll find Hope,” Darwin said, “I’m surprised I haven’t seen her around today. I thought she’d be more keen to help out and get to know people.”

“I’ll find her,” Lister offered quickly, “You stay here and keep an eye on the readouts. Make sure everything is as it should be. You know this ship better than any of us.”

“Very well,” Darwin nodded. Lister slunk out and headed for the habitation deck. He thought he should at least warn Hope that Kriss knew about last night before putting them in a room together.

                As he walked, his mind went back to what Kochanski had said to him earlier. Was this a thing now? Hope had made it abundantly clear that she would be happy with that, but was that what he wanted? They didn’t really know each other. She was certainly very pretty, and from what he could tell she seemed smart, capable and easy-going. But smeg, she was so young and had little- to-no life experience. Apart from their bizarre circumstances, what else would they possibly have in common? What would they be able to talk about? How long would it be before the shine started to wear off and she saw him for what he was; not a rugged space adventurer, but an aging layabout with a drinking problem and arrested development? On the other hand, maybe she would be good for him. Maybe her youthful spark would shake him up a bit, bring him back to life. She looked up to him in a way that Kochanski never had. Could the job of living up to her expectations be what he needed to give him back some purpose and motivation? Could they even start a family together? She was certainly still young enough to make it a possibility. His brain stalled at that thought. _Slow down there, cowboy. Too soon for those thoughts. You don’t know yet if you’ll still be able to stand each other next week. You literally met this girl yesterday._

He gave himself a shake. He was overthinking this. They could play it by ear, take things slowly. He knew it would be a long time before he was truly over Kochanski, she’d been his world for far too long, but for the first time in years he thought he might be in a place where getting over her was actually a possibility. He wasn’t in love with Hope, nowhere close. He was barely even in lust with her; attractive though she undoubtedly was, she wasn’t his normal type and the age difference still bothered him. But he felt like he owed it to her to give it a shot, as well as himself. Maybe this was an opportunity to do things right and not fall into the same dumb mistakes that he had with Kristine. Maybe, with time and patience, he could learn to love her the way she deserved. Maybe, just maybe, they both had a chance at happiness here.

 

                He found Hope in his bed, as he’d left her that morning, but she looked very different. Her face was pale and clammy and there were dark circles under her eyes. She gave him a shaky smile as he came in. “You got the engine working again. I knew you could do it.”

“Yeah, we’re in the air and climbing. But what about you? Are you okay?” he asked, going to her side.

“I don’t feel so great,” she said hoarsely.

“You don’t look so great,” he confirmed, perching on the edge of the bed. He put a hand on her forehead and frowned at the heat of it. “How long have you been feeling ill?”

“I felt okay this morning, just sort of tired and sore. Then I dozed off after you left and when I woke up, I felt like I was on fire.”

“Have you been sick?”

“No, but everything hurts.”

                Lister was struck with an awful thought. The girl had spent most of her life in isolation. What if by coming here they’d exposed her to something her body didn’t know how to fight? What if he himself had passed something to her through their intimacy last night? “I think you need to go to the medi-bay,” he told her anxiously. “I’ll go get Darwin, get some help, and I’ll be back in just a few minutes. Don’t move, okay?”

“Okay,” she closed her eyes and relaxed back against the pillow. He could hear her breathing now, ragged and hollow. The sound of it frightened him more than the fever and he started to hurry out, but he didn’t make it as far as the door before she made a desperate sound of pain. He darted back to her. “Hope! Where does it hurt? Show me.”

“Everywhere,” she whimpered through gritted teeth, “It’s getting worse. I’ve never felt anything like this before. Help me. Please, Dave, I’m scared. I’m…” she gave another awful cry and he saw her muscles straining under her skin, her back arching as the pain shot through her.

Lister made a snap decision. He wrapped the blankets around her, scooped her up off the bed and marched out with her in his arms. He didn’t even know where the medi-bay was on this ship, but he didn’t think he had time to waste searching for it. He headed straight for the Drive Room.

                Kochanski was already there; she and Rimmer were looking over the console, Kryten and Darwin either side of them. When he burst in with Hope hyperventilating in his arms, all four of them looked around at once. “What’s going on?” Kriss asked, startled.

“Medi-bay,” Lister said shortly, “Where is it?”

“Oh my goodness,” Darwin scurried over fearfully, “What’s wrong with her?”

“I don’t know, but she needs help and she needs it now. Where’s the medi-bay?”

“It’s two floors down. Shall I get a stretcher?”

“No time. Just take me there.” Hope let out a scream, her body jerking alarmingly in Lister’s arms. He sank to his knees, afraid he’d drop her otherwise, as she spasmed in his arms. “What do I do?” he asked terrified, “What do I do?”

Kochanski appeared next to him, kneeling by his side. “Try and get her into the recovery position,” she ordered. “You two,” she looked over to the droids, “find a stretcher of some sort to get her downstairs.”

“What about me?” Rimmer asked, “What can I do?”

“Stay out of the way,” she advised him abruptly.

“I don’t understand,” Lister said desperately, as Kryten and Darwin rushed out, “How can this have come on so suddenly? She was fine just hours ago. What the smeg is happening to her?”

“Don’t panic. It’ll be okay. The medi-computer will know what to do.”

“Hey,” Cat strolled in, “What’s going on? I thought we were having a crew meeting but the circuit-board brothers just charged past me in the corridor and there’s a really weird smell in here.”

“Not now, Cat.”

“I’m serious, Bud. It smells like death. Is it her? Is she dying?”

Hope let out another scream and Lister and Kochanski tried to hold her still as she thrashed on the ground. “Oh God,” Lister shook his head, his eyes filling with tears, “He’s right, she’s dying. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening.”

“Cat, get out!” Kochanski ordered. “Dave, look at me. Look. At. Me. She’s going to be fine. We’ll help her, you just have to stay calm. Everything’s going to be…”

                Lister didn’t hear the end of her sentence. Hope made a sound that was deafening and inhuman. Her jaw was stretched wide in an agonised screech and, before their horrified eyes, her face began to elongate, to split and stretch and metamorphose. Lister and Kochanski both screamed. He felt Kriss pulling him away as the girl on the floor, the girl he had made love to less than twenty-four hours ago, began to disappear in a writhing mass of flesh and turn into something else. Something glossy and black. He saw teeth, sharp teeth, and then Kristine’s voice was in his ear, louder than the piercing shrieks of the thing on the floor, screaming one word over and over, “RUN RUN RUN!!!”


	8. Chapter 8

Lister sat in numb shock in the locked medi-bay while the computer scanned him. His ears were still ringing from Hope’s agonised screams. Kochanski stood by him, her face drawn with concern. She relaxed only slightly when the green tick appeared on the screen with an incongruously cheerful ping. “You’re fine,” she said to him, “If what happened to her was the result of any virus or infection then we’re all clean.”

“Or maybe some kind of a parasite?” Rimmer suggested.

“It’s possible, I guess.”

“No,” Darwin interrupted solemnly, “As far as I’m aware we’ve never come into contact with anything that could do this. We rarely ever leave the ship. We have everything we need. Besides, an extra life sign would have shown on our readouts.”

“Well, something sure as hell happened,” Cat interjected, disgusted. “People don’t just turn inside out for no damn reason and I don’t wanna be next.”

“Please think, Darwin,” Kriss said gently, “Are there any clues you can give us? Has she ever been unwell before? Has she had any kind of illness that could have mutated? Anything at all?”

“Nothing. She’s never had a day’s sickness in her life.”

“Really? Nothing?”

“Not a thing. I’m telling you, I raised her from a baby, she’s never had as much as a head cold, not even a sniffle.” Darwin’s voice wobbled as he was overcome with emotion and Kryten patted his shoulder.

                “That’s a little weird in itself, wouldn’t you say?” Kochanski looked at Lister. He just shook his head helplessly. She went into Hope’s details on the medi-computer and began to scroll through. Everything looked perfectly normal. “This doesn’t make any sense,” she murmured, “There must be something. People don’t just turn into alien monsters.”

“No. But sometimes alien monsters turn into people,” Cat mused. They all turned to stare at him. “Like the polymorph, remember?” he elaborated, “Remember that hot chick it turned into to suck out my vanity? Or when those psiren things pretended to be sexy ladies who wanted to mate with us?”

“Unbelievably,” Rimmer remarked with a raised eyebrow, “he has a point. What if she was a shape-shifter all along?”

“That’s impossible,” Darwin shook his head vehemently, “I would know!”

“How? If she was in human form the whole time, why would you ever suspect she was anything else?” Rimmer pointed out.

“Do you remember anything suspicious about the day you found her?” Kryten asked him urgently.

“Just that she was all alone. I thought it was strange that a small baby would be alone like that, that she’d still be alive all by herself. I just assumed that whatever had happened to her ship had happened very recently and that it was a miracle I found her when I did.”

“It’s looking more and more likely that SHE happened to her ship,” Rimmer said, “But if she’s a shape-shifter then what does she feed on? Brains? Emotions? And how has she survived all this time without it? Obviously she hasn’t been feeding on you.”

“According to my data banks, there is a rare species of GELF that originated from an early experiment in the psiren project, called Black Widows,” Kryten chipped in, pointing to images on his chest monitor. “They were designed to infiltrate enemy ranks, seduce soldiers and then devour them. The project was abandoned when they were found to have a flaw of a long hibernation cycle after each kill.”

“How long?” Kochanski asked.

“About twenty years or so.”

“Right,” Kriss said heavily, “Well, that would just about tie-up, wouldn’t it? She had her last snack right before you found her. She was in hibernation, she was vulnerable, so she took the form most likely to encourage you to protect her and to keep her safe. A human baby.”

“If that’s true,” Darwin told them, clearly suffering, “It was pure instinct. Hope had no idea what she was, I’m sure of it. All she ever wanted was to be a normal girl, with friends and family. And to think, she was so close to having all that…” He sobbed brokenly.

“So what are you saying?” Cat demanded. “We now have a terrifying beast roaming these corridors, whose sole purpose is to get lucky and get lunch? Because that’s really not how I want to go out.”

“Agreed,” Rimmer added, “Love ‘em and leave ‘em is one thing, but mate and munch doesn’t really have the same appeal.”

“Well, you can both relax,” Kriss told then stonily, her arms folded tight across her body, “Because you’re perfectly safe. She’s not looking for you. She already mated.”

                There was a long, horrible pause. Lister, who had been staring silently at the floor this whole time, looked up into a sea of accusing faces. “Seriously?” Rimmer said to him angrily.

“You?” Darwin got to his feet, radiating fury, “You did this to her?”

“Settle down,” Kriss said tensely, “He had no way of knowing what was going to happen. How could he? Not even you knew what she was.”

“That’s not the point!” Rimmer trilled, “We’ve only been here five minutes and he’s hooking up with some slip of a girl he barely knows? It’s not decent!”

“Oh, please!” Kriss retorted, “Like you would have done the honourable thing if she’d gone tiptoeing to your room last night.”

“She’d still be alive if _he’d_ done the honourable thing!” Darwin pointed accusingly at Lister.

“She seduced him! That’s what she was designed to do! It’s useless to stand here and point fingers. We just have to deal with this.”

“If my programming didn’t forbid it, I would suggest we let her eat him. Maybe she’ll go back to being Hope again once she’s killed him,” Darwin grumbled rebelliously.

“No-one’s eating anyone,” Kochanski growled, standing closer to Lister.

“It would be no more than he deserves for taking advantage of a naïve young girl.”

"Give me a break,” Kriss countered indignantly, “She was making eyes at him all day yesterday. Maybe she knew what she was doing, maybe she didn’t, but she’d already picked him off the menu.”

“He didn’t have to go along with it,” Rimmer pointed out sourly, still glaring resentfully at Lister.

“You stay out of this. You’re just jealous,” Kochanski told him sharply. They glowered at each other pointedly for a few seconds, before Rimmer pursued his lips and turned away.

                “Sirs, ma’am,” Kryten butted in gently, “Regardless of any personal recriminations, we do need to decide what we’re going to do. The Black Widow will pursue her mate relentlessly until she has consumed him.”

“I say we charge up the bazookoids and give her both barrels,” Cat stated, hands on his hips.

“It’s not elegant but it’s effective,” Rimmer agreed grudgingly.

“No,” Lister said quietly.

They all turned to look at him. He hadn’t spoken since they’d fled the Drive Room. He looked back at them, his eyes dark and haunted. “We can’t. We can’t just kill her.”

“What do you propose, sir?” Kryten asked. Lister bit his lip.

“What Darwin suggested…would it work? Once she goes back into hibernation, is there a chance she’d go back to being Hope again?”

“I don’t know for certain, sir. There’s a possibility. Of course, she could just take another form entirely. There’s no way of knowing.”

“Wait a minute. Wait just a smegging minute,” Rimmer held up his hands, “Are you actually suggesting that we just let her eat you? Are you out of your mind?”

“If I can lure her out,” Lister said slowly, “maybe we can tranquilise her. Do something to force her back into hibernation. Even if I have to give her a little blood, or a finger or something, maybe that would be enough.”

“Forget it. I’m not letting you use yourself as bait!” Kochanski said indignantly.

“Darwin’s right. I did this to her. I have to try.”

“We can give the tranquiliser a shot, but let one of us do it. It’s too dangerous for you to go.”

“What do you care?” he asked, exhausted, “Let’s face it, it’s not like you can’t live without me.”

“Oh no,” Kochanski shook her head warningly, her cheeks glowing with incandescent emotion, “No, you don’t! Don’t try and tell me _I’m_ the one who didn’t care! I cared too much to sit and watch you throw your life away, and I’m damned if I’ll stand by and let you do it now!”

“This is my mess. It’s up to me to fix it.”

“If you go out there, she’ll eat you alive. I mean _literally_ , Dave! Do you understand that?”

“Well, maybe Darwin is right. Maybe that’s what I deserve,” he said heavily, dragging himself to his feet.

                Kochanski grabbed his shirt and pulled him close to her furiously. “Don’t you dare say that! When you walked in here yesterday you told me that you wanted to live. Remember that?”

“Yesterday was a lifetime ago,” Lister told her wearily, “When you and me still had a chance of salvaging something from all this mess.”

“We still can!”

“How? I betrayed you. I let you down. I let _myself_ down and I put everyone in danger.”

“You didn’t betray me. What you said earlier was true; you don’t need my forgiveness. Whatever reasons I had for leaving, I’m the one who chose it. I’m the one who gave up what we had. I walked away when you needed me the most, because I was hurt and frightened and frustrated, and I have no right to be angry because you found comfort elsewhere. If anything, I’m the one who let _you_ down.”

“What I did was still wrong.”

“But you did it for the right reasons!” she insisted fiercely. “You always do! Because you’re a good man, David Lister. You’re stupid and you’re stubborn and you’re flawed but _you are a good man_ and you don’t have to die to prove it. You don’t have to prove _anything_ to me. I know who you are.” She looked up into his eyes, her voice softening. “And I love you.”

“You don’t need me,” Lister told her quietly, “You’ll be fine whatever happens. But Hope won’t be.”

Kochanski let go of his shirt and stared at him, defeated, “How many times do I have to say it?” she asked him hopelessly, “How many times do I have to tell you I love you before you’ll believe it?”

“If I don’t do whatever I can to help that girl, then I don’t deserve your love,” he said, stepping away from her. “And I want to deserve it. I want to be that guy, Kriss. It’s been too long since I was.” He turned to the others. “Kryten, see if you can find some sedative in here. Darwin, get us some guns. Let’s go bag us a maneater.”

 


	9. Chapter 9

                They edged out into the corridor in a tight huddle, with Lister at the centre. “We should split up,” he said quietly, “Maybe we’ll find her quicker.”

“Are you sure?” Kochanski asked dubiously.

“If Cat can sniff her out, we might be able to track her and bring her down before she even gets close to me.”

“Okay,” she agreed, “Darwin, you go with Cat. The rest of us will stay with Dave for back-up.” They split off and continued on their way.

“Are you sure about this?” Rimmer asked nervously, “Safety in numbers and everything.”

“Call me paranoid, but I’m not convinced we can rely on Darwin right now.”

“He cannot purposely bring harm to Mr Lister, ma’am. It is not in his programming.”

“If he thinks it would bring Hope back, he might be tempted to serve Dave up like Christmas dinner, programming or not. I’d rather not take the risk of him betraying us.”

“How do you know _I_ won’t?” Rimmer said grumpily, “I don’t much fancy being the prawn cocktail to Lister’s stuffed goose.”

“Because I know,” she said simply. Rimmer fell silent. She gave him a sideways glance and added, “Aside from anything else, if she didn’t kill you then I would.”

                They searched the control deck without success and headed downward to the habitation deck. When they reached the door of Lister’s room, Kochanski sucked in a sharp breath. There were deep claw marks in the door. “Oh my god,” Rimmer said shakily.

“Stay alert everyone,” Kriss whispered, “Fingers on triggers.”

                Slowly, they crept towards the scarred door. The room was empty but it had been ransacked. The bedsheets were strewn around, slashed to ribbons. “Unless you two did some very strange things last night, I’m guessing she’s been back,” Rimmer said nervously.

“Oh yeah, ha, ha. Very funny,” Lister retorted, but his face was pale. Standing here brought last night back to him far too vividly. _Was any of it true?_ he wondered, staring at the chair lying on its side and remembering how she’d pleaded with him. Was she really just a sweet lonely girl desperate for anything that resembled love, or had the whole thing been a calculated performance? She’d certainly targeted his weak spots eerily well; his loneliness, his empathy for her plight, his shaky faith in his connection with Kochanski. Most importantly (and humiliatingly) she’d played to his need to feel good about himself, to feel righteous in his betrayal. She’d lifted away the guilt by convincing him that he was sinning in the name of kindness, and he’d crumbled like one of Kryten’s rock cakes. He almost hoped it _had_ been calculated, that she _had_ been reading his mind, because if not then what did that say about him?

                They kept going down the corridor. They were finding traces of her now as they went, scratch marks in the floor and walls, as if she was frustrated. Perhaps the strong scent of Lister in the sleeping quarters had got her riled.

                As they approached the T-junction at the end of the corridor, a black shadow flashed across the path. “There! There!” Rimmer trilled.

“Are you sure, Sir?” Kryten asked doubtfully.

“Yes, you plastic-headed halfwit!”

“I saw something too,” Lister confirmed nervously.

“Maybe it was just a rat…” Kochanski ventured, slowly raising her weapon just in case. The sound of a low, hungry growl began to hum from around the corner. All four gripped their guns. “…Or not,” she allowed, her voice trembling slightly.

A long sharp-toothed snout appeared around the corner, encased in a shiny black exoskeleton. Kochanski fired at it, and the dart plinked off the beast’s nose harmlessly. It snarled and lunged into the hallway, stalking towards them purposefully. The four of them crept backwards. “Thank you for that, Kristine,” Rimmer said, his voice high and tight, “We now have the valuable information that our weapons are useless. On the downside, our weapons are useless. And now you’ve smegged her off.”

Kochanski ignored him. “Dave, run,” she said urgently, “We’ll hold her off.”

“Excuse me?” Rimmer squeaked, “I was not aware that this was the agreed Plan B.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Lister said flatly.

“This is not the time to play hero. Go.”

“There’s no…”

                Lister didn’t have time to finish the sentence. The Black Widow suddenly charged, barrelling straight into them, scattering them like bowling pins. Its tail cracked violently like a whip and knocked Kryten’s head off, sending it spinning end over end down the corridor. “I’m alright!” it called desperately, “Don’t worry about me! Get Mr Lister to safety!”

                Lister and Kochanski ducked as a long sinewy arm swished over their heads, talons scraping down the wall and ripping loose a door control panel in a shower of sparks. Smoke began to billow from the wreckage and fizzing wires. They quickly scrambled away from the flailing claws and toxic smoke, the beast stalking after them. Across the corridor, Rimmer huddled back against the wall and fired a few desperate shots off, but every dart ricocheted off the hard shell. Irritated, the beast spun round and swiped the gun out of his hand with one long-clawed paw and then leaned in close to sniff him. Rimmer squeezed his eyes shut and whimpered as it towered over him. Kochanski grabbed Lister’s arm and hauled him to his feet, “Come on! Now! While she’s distracted!”

“But Rimmer…”

“She can’t kill Rimmer! She can kill us! Go!” They raced back down the corridor towards the lifts, as the fire alarms started to sound.

“You bastards!” Rimmer shrieked after them, “I’ll just fend for myself then, shall I?”

“Sorry!” Lister yelled back over his shoulder.

                They heard a roar as the Black Widow decided that Rimmer wasn’t the snack she’d been craving, and then the hard thunder of galloping claws on metal floor behind them. “Don’t look back!” Kochanski screamed, “Keep running!” Along the corridor behind them, the internal doors were starting to whir to a close one by one in thirty foot sections, in response to the fire alarm. Lister focused on keeping his legs moving. If they could keep far enough ahead of her then hopefully she’d get sealed in one of the segments behind them. Maybe they could even make it into the lifts before she reached them.

They weren’t that lucky. The beast leapt forward in a few long bounds and slammed them both to the ground, bellowing triumphantly. Lister aimed his gun upwards and fired blindly. The Black Widow reared up, roaring, and Kochanski fired a few shots off too, driving it back far enough for them to squirm out from under its weight. Lister looked back and saw one of the internal doors hiss to a close a little way behind the beast and realised with a sinking heart they didn’t have time now to outrun it. Unless something miraculous happened, they were both going to get sealed in with the thing. Kochanski wasn’t ready to give in though. She grabbed his hand and pulled him after her. He let her drag him at a stumble towards the next door, before digging his heels in and stopping.

“Dave, come on!” she screamed, yanking at his arm. He shook his head, panting.

“No. It’s no good. We’re not going to make it to the lift. She’ll catch us.”

“We can make it! Move!” She could see the Black Widow coming ever closer over his shoulder.

“It’s over, Kriss.”

“No! No god-smegging-dammit!” she pulled at him with all her strength but he wouldn’t budge. “Don’t you give up on me! Don’t you dare!” The door behind her started to hum slowly closed.

“You go,” he said to her, “She won’t follow after you once she’s got me.”

“I’m not leaving you! Not again! Not ever!”

“Even if I come through with you, she’ll catch me at the next one, or the one after that. We can’t stay far enough ahead of her and she’ll end up killing us both.”

“I won’t let you do this!” she screamed, gripping tight to his jacket, still trying to haul him after her, “I will not let you!”

Lister pulled her close against him and kissed her hard. “And I won’t let you die for me,” he said. Then shoved her backwards through the doorway. She toppled through and landed on her butt on the other side.

Through the last rapidly narrowing space, she saw Lister take a step backwards and blow her a kiss. A dark shadow loomed behind him. She flung herself back up and at the closing door. “NO!!!” She clawed helplessly at the last few inches of gap as they sealed her off, screaming obscenities. “YOU BASTARD!” she shrieked, pummelling at the door, “YOU BASTARD LET ME IN! DAVE! _DAVE!!!_ ”

 


	10. Chapter 10

                Lister turned slowly, his legs shaking, and looked into a pair of bottomless black eyes. The Black Widow watched him, a deep growl emanating from its maw. “Hey Baby,” he said nervously, “Looking for me?”

                The beast snarled and he sidled away, keeping his back to the wall. “Aw, c’mon. Don’t be like that. We can talk about this, right?” he went on, trying to keep his voice low and soothing. Maybe there was still a chance he could hold it off long enough for someone to get help. The muffled sound of Kochanski’s screams as she pounded uselessly at the door were just barely audible now, but a particularly loud thump made the monster snort irritably. “Oh, her? Don’t mind her,” he told it, “She means nothing to me. Nothing for you to get upset about. You know you’re the only girl for me.” The beast lunged and grabbed him, throwing him hard into the far wall. He slumped to the floor, dazed, and just managed to heave himself back up onto his elbows, “Not gonna be sweet-talked, huh?” he gasped out.

It came at him, bearing down with jaws stretched wide.   He quickly dived aside and heard it roar when its teeth snapped closed on empty air. Panting, his eyes darted desperately from side to side, looking for his gun. It was a good ten feet away. He pedalled backwards as the creature stomped towards him. There was drool dripping from its mouth now and its eyes were fixed on him. He wouldn’t duck it a second time. He wondered if Hope was still in there at all, if she could see what she was doing, and if she would care even if she could. “Hope?” he tried in desperation, his voice trembling as he watched death stalk ever closer. “Can you hear me in there? You don’t want to do this. You don’t want to eat me. You don’t…!”

                The Black Widow sprung and he threw his hands up instinctively to protect himself. He screamed as its jaws slammed shut around his forearm, crunching through the bone, the dagger-like teeth spearing through his jacket deep into his flesh. It let go again, maybe disliking the cloth in its mouth, and roared deafeningly. His vision shimmering with pain and adrenaline, Lister rocked back and kicked it in the face with both legs as hard as he could, knocking it back away from him. Clutching his wounded arm to his chest, he began to crawl away. There was nowhere to go to, but instinct took over, telling him simply to move, to get away. Long sharp claws seized his leg and he screamed again as they sliced through his clothes and tore through his calf muscle. He felt the talons flex; tightening and hooking into him inescapably. He moaned, paralysed with fear and pain as it dragged him back. _Oh god she’s got me she’s got me she’s got me._ The air was knocked out of his lungs as the beast’s full weight landed on top of him, pinning him to the ground. He could feel its hot breath on the back of his neck, and he couldn’t move. She was too heavy, too strong, and he had nothing left. He was bleeding, injured, and exhausted and he couldn’t fight her. Claws slashed down his back, tearing through his jacket and ripping deeply through his skin. Powerful jaws snapped around his left shoulder, clamping on and squeezing down agonisingly. Lister’s scream faded to nothing. The pain was too intense to vocalise. He could feel his vision starting to fade as her teeth sank deeper and deeper into him, and he welcomed the blackness. He didn’t want to be awake for this. Didn’t want to feel himself being torn to shreds, piece by piece. He could still hear a noise, a high-pitched squealing noise, which he assumed was probably him. But then, as the world swirled and swayed in a red mist of agony, he heard words in the noise. “GET OFF HIM! GET OFF!”

                Kochanski slammed her bazookoid into the side of the creature’s skull, and it let go of Lister to screech at her. She hurled herself at it and knocked it sideways, “YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE!” she screamed, “HE’S MINE! YOU HEAR ME BITCH! MINE! YOU! LEAVE! HIM! ALONE! ” With every word she bashed her weapon against its black head with all the strength she could muster.

                The Black Widow flung her off and she landed on her back. Lister, woozily aware that he was no longer being eaten, managed to roll himself over. His vision was swirling and spinning in and out of focus, but he saw Kochanski fall and watched, powerless, as the beast pounced on her. It roared angrily into her face, its jaws just millimetres from snapping closed on her head. Kochanski swung her gun up, rammed the barrel between the Black Widow’s teeth and fired three tranquiliser darts straight into its mouth and throat.

The beast screamed and flailed, staggering away, pawing at its snout. It stumbled, fell, got up, fell again, thrashed howling on the ground, then gradually relaxed into grunting and twitching, then was still.

Panting, Kochanski dropped the gun and crawled over to Lister. There was a puddle of blood spreading around him where he lay. “Dave!” she leaned over him frantically, “Look at me! Say something!” He opened his eyes and looked up at her dopily.

“You ok?” he whispered.

“Yes, I’m okay, you muppet,” she said tearfully, “Forget about me. You’re hurt.”

“How did you get in?”

“Ceiling hatch.”

“That wasn’t the plan.”

“Well, your plan was stupid.”

She pulled her t-shirt over her head and tore it into strips. “Besides,” she teased shakily, as she began to bandage his wounds, “You looked like you needed rescuing. She was getting awfully pushy and I know she’s not your type.”

“Don’t joke. You could have been killed.”

“Says the guy with the bite marks in his arse. You’d be dead right now if I’d gone along with your silly macho bullshit.”

“Did it work though? Did she turn back into Hope?”

“Not yet,” Kriss said regretfully, “Still a big ugly alien monster. Now she’s sedated though, maybe we’ll be able to do something for her.”

“I really hope so. I’d hate to think I got used as a chew toy for nothing,” his face contorted in pain as he spoke.

“Hey,” Kriss said nervously, “She’s going to be okay and so are you.”

                She very gently rolled him over to examine his other wounds and viewed the gory furrows down his back with dismay. She couldn’t deal with this, not while they were still sealed in here. This was going to take more than rags and optimism. Lister needed urgent help; he’d lost too much blood already and the makeshift bandages she’d used to bind his leg and arm were beginning to soak through too.

“Oh no,” the sound of Rimmer’s voice startled her. He was standing over them, staring down at Lister with horror.

“How did you get in?” Kochanski asked stupidly.

“I went soft. What the hell happened?”

“What do you think? Don’t just stand there, we need to get him to the medi-bay. If you can get through these walls, then go find a way to open the doors.”

“How? I don’t know how this ship’s systems work!”

“Find Darwin! He and Cat must be on their way down here, the fire alarm must have got their attention by now.”

“Is he going to be okay?” Rimmer didn’t move, didn’t take his eyes off Lister.

“Not if you don’t stop staring and actually do something!” Still Rimmer lingered. Kochanski stood up, stuck her hand through his chest, grabbed his light bee and yanked him towards her, finally tearing his gaze away from Lister on the floor. “Rimmer!” she growled, “Go. Now. _Run!_ ” She let him go and, finally shocked into action, he bolted in the direction of the lifts.

Kochanski sighed and knelt back down beside Lister. “It’s going to be okay,” she whispered to him. “Help is on the way.”

“Yeah,” he slurred, “On the way.” His face was becoming paler by the second and his hand when she took it was cold. She began to get really scared. It could still be a while until the others reached them and she didn’t think Dave had much time.

She tugged his shredded jacket off as gently as she could, mindful of his broken arm. When it was off, she began tearing strips from his already blood-soaked shirt, doing her best to dress the gouges in his back and keep some pressure on them. It had to hurt, but he wasn’t even whimpering, and that frightened her a little. “Silly boy,” she tried to coax him into conversation, keeping her voice light to mask the fear, “You do get yourself in some scrapes, don’t you? How have you survived all these months without me around to save you?”

“Sorry,” he whispered back weakly.  His voice was so faint she could barely hear it over the fire siren.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind saving you. You’re kinda cute, you know.”

“I’m sorry…for everything…” he whispered, “So stupid…”

She frowned slightly, “Don’t upset yourself. Save your strength.”

“I messed everything up…for her…for us…”

“It’ll be okay. It will all be okay. You’ll see.”

“I was just trying…to do…the right thing…”

“I know,” she soothed, stroking his hair, “I know.”

               The fire alarm suddenly stopped its incessant wail. “Oh, thank god,” she whispered. Seconds later, the doors purred open. “You just hold on,” she told Lister, peering anxiously down the corridor, “The guys will be here any minute to get you fixed up.” Lister didn’t reply. She looked down at him. His eyes were closed, his lips pale and tinged with blue. “Dave? Dave!” she shook him with no response. Frantically she grabbed his wrist, feeling for a pulse. It was faint and fading. “No,” she moaned, “No, don’t you dare. Dave, no.” She heard footsteps hurrying from the other end of the corridor and Kryten appeared around the corner, obviously having retrieved his head. “Sir! Ma’am! Oh goodness!”

“Get a bedsheet from one of these rooms and bring it here now!” she barked, “We can’t wait for the others, he’s bleeding out. We have to move him. Hurry!”

                As Kryten disappeared into the nearest room, she leaned back over Lister’s still form, holding him tight and whispering into his ear, “Come on, stay with me, Dave.” She stroked his head, her hands trembling. “You’re not allowed to die, you hear me? Not after everything we’ve been through. You have to tell me you love me. You’ve never told me you love me, you stubborn jerk, and you’re not going anywhere until I hear it.” Her tears splashed down into his hair, her voice starting to hitch. “You’ve never ever said it, and I don’t know why, but I know you do. I _know_ it. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. You wouldn’t be here on this ship, you wouldn’t be in this smegging mess. So don’t you die, David Lister. I’ll never forgive you if you do.” She buried her face in his neck. “…And I’ll never forgive myself.”

 


	11. Chapter 11

                Lister came to, aching and weak, and found himself staring directly into Rimmer’s nostrils. “He’s awake! Kryten, he’s awake!”

“Yeah,” he murmured woozily, “He’s awake. Give the patient some air, man.” Rimmer sat back, improving Lister’s view of the world immeasurably.

“How are you feeling, Sir?” Kryten’s voice asked from somewhere by his side.

“Lousy,” Lister croaked.

“It will be a while before you’re fully up and about. You had quite a close call, Sir. It’s very fortunate that the ship still had some blood supplies in stasis.”

“Where’s Krissie?” Lister asked, raising his head slightly to peer around, “Is she okay?”

“Miss Kochanski is fine, Sir. Once you were stabilised, she returned to her room to start packing her things.”

“Packing? What do you mean?” Lister struggled to sit up, “Is she leaving again?”

“Relax,” Rimmer said irritably, putting a hand on Lister’s chest and pushing him firmly back down, “She’s coming back with us. Back to _Red Dwarf_.”

“She is?”

“That appears to be her intention, Sir,” Kryten confirmed. Lister didn’t notice that neither of his companions looked thrilled by this news.

“What about Hope?” he asked weakly.

“We injected her with some of your blood and tissue samples while we were tending to your injuries, Sir. It seemed to do the trick. She appears to have returned to hibernation.”

“Appears?”

“She’s fine,” Rimmer didn’t sound delighted by this news either, “Back to normal. We just can’t be sure how long for, seeing as she didn’t actually eat you.”

“You think she might flip back? Even without…” Lister struggled to find an appropriate way to phrase it. “…Y’know. A trigger?”

“There’s no telling what might happen, Sir. She’s currently confined to her quarters, just in case.”

“But she’s okay? For now at least?”

“Understandably distressed, Sir, but otherwise fine.”

“Okay,” Lister relaxed slightly.

                Rimmer bristled beside him, “Of course, if you’d been less ‘trigger-happy’ in the first place, none of this would have happened.”

“Gimme a break, man. I’d say I’ve paid the price for my little lapse of judgement, wouldn’t you?”

“ _Little_ lapse? You dung-brain, haven’t you learned anything in all the time we’ve been in deep space? When a beautiful woman wants to have sex with you, there’s always a catch.” There was the briefest flicker of something in Rimmer’s eyes. “It’s always too good to be true,” he finished bitterly.

“Get off my back, will you? It’s not like you’re the one who almost got a one-way trip down a monster’s cakehole.”

“That’s right. Me, me, me. Don’t worry about the trauma the rest of us have suffered.”

“What trauma? She didn’t so much as bite your fingernails. What are you so upset about?”

“Mr Rimmer found the extent of your blood loss rather…upsetting, Sir,” Kryten whispered confidentially. Lister assumed that meant ‘threw up’, ‘passed out’, or both.

“Oh, poor Mr Rimmer! I’m sorry to have made such a mess!”

“Don’t make fun of me. You know I hate blood. It’s a phobia. It’s a real thing.”

“I thought you were okay when it’s mine,” Lister responded dryly.

“Not in that quantity.”

“Well, excuse me. Next time I almost die, I’ll try to do it in a more acceptable way.”

“Or you could try not doing stupid things that nearly get you killed! Like shagging strange women!”

                Lister turned his attention back to Kryten, “So we are going home then? Back to _Red Dwarf_ , I mean?”

“In the circumstances, Sir, it seems like the wisest thing to do. We don’t know how your presence here might…er…aggravate Miss Hope’s condition.”

“You don’t actually think I’m dumb enough to dunk my feet in that piranha pool again?”

“It’s debatable,” Rimmer grumbled.

“The situation is unpredictable, Sir. Miss Hope may return to being a charmingly pleasant human woman for the next twenty years. Or she might turn around tomorrow and try to rip your throat out. There’s just no way of knowing.”

“I imagine Darwin would rather see the back of us too, after all this.”

“I think Darwin has more or less forgiven you, Sir, considering the sacrifice you were willing to make in order to save Miss Hope. But unfortunately it’s very likely that her instinctual urge to mate with you will remain, which could be rather distressing for everyone involved.”

“Yes, I’m sure Lister would find all the attention terribly distressing.” Rimmer’s words were so deep in sarcasm they were in danger of drowning.

“Why are you still here?” Lister asked him, irritated, “Haven’t you got anything more useful to do than standing here making bitchy smeggy remarks?”

“Charming. If you didn’t want visitors, you only had to say,” Rimmer sniffed and marched out. Lister shared a look of exasperation with Kryten.

“Mr Rimmer may be a little tired, Sir. He’s been at your bedside for hours, waiting for you to wake up so he could scold you.”

“Lucky I didn’t die,” Lister managed a smirk, “He’d have never got a chance to tell me what an idiot I am, and wouldn’t that be tragic.”

 

                Later that day, Lister hauled himself out of his sick bed and struggled into some clothes. He was still weak and sore, and he didn’t think anyone would approve of what he was about to do, but he felt like he had to do it. He went to see Hope.

                When he entered her room, she was lying on her bed staring desolately at the wall. Her face was pale and she hadn’t washed her hair. Her eyes widened when she saw him. “You shouldn’t be in here. It’s not safe.”

“I’m familiar with the warning signs now,” he quipped, “I’ll leg it if you look like you’re turning toothy.”

Her blue eyes welled up as she took in his sling-wrapped arm and stiff movements. “I’m sorry,” she whispered tearfully, “I’m so so sorry. I didn’t know…”

“You really had no idea?” he asked her, sinking into a chair.

She shook her head, “I don’t remember ever having a life before this. My earliest memories are of playing in these corridors. None of this makes sense to me.”

“So when you came to me that night…it wasn’t all part of the plan?”

“No!” she insisted, “I was just doing what felt right. I was drawn to you from the moment I first saw you, I can’t deny that, but it felt natural. I never wanted to hurt you. I just knew I wanted to be with you. I thought…” she swallowed hard, “…I thought that was what love was supposed to feel like.”

                Lister closed his eyes, his heart breaking a little inside. It was so hard to reconcile in his head the images of this small fragile girl and the vicious creature that had savaged him.

“Do you remember any of it?” he asked gently.

She nodded, wiping her eyes. “Yeah. It feels like remembering a nightmare. When you’re in it, it all makes perfect sense, but then you wake up and you can see how insane it was. I was still me, but I wasn’t me. When I first woke up, I thought it _had_ all been a nightmare. I remembered being sick, being in pain, then I woke up in my room with Darwin and Kryten and Kriss all standing around me. I thought the whole thing had been a fever dream or hallucination. Then they told me…they told me everything and…and…” she broke down sobbing.

“I’m sorry too,” Lister told her quietly, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d still be a nice normal girl.”

Hope shook her head, sniffing, “No. I’d be a sad, lonely girl staring out the windows at infinity all by myself. It sucks that all of this happened, and I feel terrible, but I’m not sorry you came here. I’m not sorry for what we did. Maybe I’m a monster, but at least now I’m a monster with friends.”

Lister mentally winced, his heart sinking at her words. “Hope,” he said as gently as he could, “We’re not staying. We’re going back to _Red Dwarf_ today. Kriss too.”  

                She looked at him with dismay. “You’re leaving?”

“We thought it would be for the best.”

“But I’m better now! I’m going to be okay!”

“We can’t be sure of that. They think me hanging around might be kinda bad for you. And, by extension, pretty bad for me.”

“Come on! It’s not like we’re going to hook up again! We’d have to be crazy to even think about it after what just happened.”

“We might not have to. Right now you’re in induced hibernation and nobody knows how stable that is. One whiff of testosterone on a bad day and before we know it you could be nibbling on my ear, and not in the good way.”

“So that’s it?” she asked, her voice hollow and defeated, “I’m on my own again?”

“You’ve still got Darwin. Things will just go back to how they were. You were happy before we came along, you’ll be happy again.”

“At least before, I could dream,” she told him brokenly. “I could pretend there was still a life for me out there, someone waiting for me. What do I have now? Even if I ever meet anyone else, what good will it do? I can’t be with them. Not properly. I’ve got nothing left to hope for. Nothing left to live for.”

“You’ve got _you_ ,” Lister told her emphatically, “You’re enough, all by yourself. You don’t need to base your existence around searching for someone else to make you whole!” He paused suddenly, hearing what he’d just said. “Someone else isn’t going to complete you,” he went on slowly, as if telling himself. “Only you can do that. And the only way to do it, is to be the best person you can be.”

“The person I am isn’t who I thought I was. The person I am is a genetic mutant with insatiable sexual desire and bloodlust. It’s kind of hard to feel good about that,” she argued.

“No. That’s _what_ you are, not _who_ you are. _Who_ you are is a clever, capable woman with an incredibly strong spirit. If you weren’t all of those things you wouldn’t have survived out here as long as you have.” He looked down regretfully, “And if I’d done the right thing and turned you away that night, you might never have known you were anything else.”

“It would have happened eventually,” she told him, her voice heavy with sorrow and self-disgust, “I’d have worn you down somehow. It was only a matter of time.”

“No time at all, as it turned out,” he said sadly, “I didn’t put up much of a fight, did I?”

“Trust me, even if you’d stayed strong, I’d have found a way. I was so desperate, I’d have done anything. Drugged you, got you drunk. Sooner or later you’d have woken up with me in your bed.”

“If I stay, I still might. You can’t control your instincts and we can’t watch you 24/7.”

“We’ll find a way. I’ll wear a chastity belt or something. Please don’t go,” she gazed at him pleadingly, “Please don’t leave me. I don’t want to be alone again.”

                Lister looked into her tortured face and was torn. He recognised the fear and unhappiness in her eyes. He knew it. He’d felt it himself. But at the same time, the very sight of her unsettled him. He’d seen that face bright and happy and laughing, he’d seen it alive with pleasure and passion; but he’d also seen it ripping in two, and the memory of that image was enough to make him strong now, no matter how real and painful her suffering was. “I’m sorry, Hope. I really am.”

                She crumpled at his words, her head sinking to her arms as she wept, and in that moment Lister felt more of a monster than she did. He knew he was doing the right thing for both of them, but cursed himself - not for the first or last time – for not having done it when it would have made a difference. He got to his feet. “You’ll be okay, kid,” he told her hoarsely, “I promise you. You will.”

She raised her head, tears shining on her cheeks, “At least I had one night,” she hiccupped miserably,  “At least I have something to hang onto and remember. I meant what I said. I’ll never be sorry for the night that we had.”

                His soul aching more than his body, Lister struggled out of his jacket, flinching as he shrugged it off his wounded shoulder. He’d put it on out of habit, but it was essentially useless now. Her claws had shredded the back of it to ribbons. “Here,” he draped it gingerly around Hope and she pulled it tightly around herself, looking up at him with confusion. “Keep it,” he said, his voice shaking a little, “Something to remind you that you’re not all alone in the universe. Remember me when you wear it and remember why I couldn’t stay.” He paused for a second, not sure if he was taking a risk, then took the risk anyway and reached over to gently stroke her back, running his fingers over the clawed ripped leather, “Remember it’s not because I didn’t care.”

                The sound of her sobs followed him all the way back down the corridor.

               

 


	12. Chapter 12

“Hey.”

 

Kochanski turned from the bookshelf she’d been scanning and frowned when she saw Lister leaning in the doorway of her room. “What are you doing up?”

“No point hanging around, is there?” he said glumly. “I’ve caused enough trouble.”

“You look awful. At least go and rest until we’re ready to leave. It won’t be long.”

“I’ll be fine. I’d rather get back and recover in my own bed.” He looked at her sheepishly, “Besides, we never got around to having that talk.”

She raised an eyebrow. “You really want to get into that now? You look like you’re about to fall over.”

“Yeah. I do.”

Kochanski looked him over doubtfully, then, against her better judgement, beckoned him in. “Come on, then. At least sit down.”

                He eased into a chair and she saw his face tighten in pain, but knew it would be pointless to say anything to him. “Do you want me to go first?” she asked instead.

“No,” Lister said, “Let me.”

“Okay.” She sat back and looked at him expectantly.

                He took a deep breath, looking down at the tabletop. “I know why you left,” he said simply.

“Do you?”

“I think so. You know, when I thought you were dead, I went to your memorial every day to read to you,” Lister’s eyes stayed downcast, avoiding her face. “All those Jane Austen books you love. _Pride and Prejudice_ and the like.”

Kochanski’s face was a picture. “You read _Pride and Prejudice_? You?”

“And a few others. I know that’s your favourite.”

She didn’t know whether to be more touched or shocked. “Did you like them?” she asked, not sure what else to say.

“No,” Lister shook his head with the smallest hint of a smile. She relaxed slightly. If he’d said yes, she’d have started to worry because something would have been really off-kilter. “But it kind of made things clearer to me. I think afterwards I understood you a little bit better. And I get it. I do. That world - Jane Austen, manners and marriage and suitable husbands – that’s the world you grew up in. That’s what you grew up expecting. You spent your life waiting for Mr Darcy to come sweeping into view.” His eyes were still fixed downwards, his fingers tracing meaningless patterns on the table. “And you ended up with me.”

“Dave…”

He shook his head, stopping her. “I know you never expected me to live up to that daydream. I mean, c’mon. Realistically, if Mr Darcy was what you were holding out for, you’d have never given me a second look. You lowered your standards and made the most out of what you had to work with. And the first time around, you did a pretty good job. Your Dave scrubbed up alright in the end, didn’t he?”

                Kochanski sat back in her chair, her arms folded, and said nothing. “You sanded off a few of the rough edges, taught him about fine wines and foreign languages and opera. Then you tumbled through the rabbit-hole and found yourself right back to square one. Only this time with a Dave who was a little more broken and a little less malleable. All the years you’d been working on getting your Lister tidied up, I’d been on my own getting scruffier and settling into my bad habits. All the time you’d spent getting your Dave to be softer and more sensitive, I’d been getting harder and more cynical. By the time you found me, you could forget about me living up to the daydream. I couldn’t even live up to myself.” Lister’s voice softened slightly, “I know you did your best. You always cared about me and over time I think you found things to love about me. But I was never really what you wanted. I was never _who_ you wanted, so there never seemed any point in trying to be. I was too _afraid_ to try. It was easier to say I could do it and didn’t want to, than to fail and prove I couldn’t.”

His voice shook slightly, “I pretended I didn’t care, but I did. That bitterness, that self-doubt, it was eating away at me.” He paused self-consciously. “Maybe that’s why it was so easy for Hope to reel me in. She saw me through such ridiculously rose-tinted glasses; the dashing space adventurer, the hero she’d been waiting for to sweep her off her feet; and even though I knew it was stupid, it felt good. She looked at me like I was everything she’d ever dreamed of. It was an ego boost. It made me feel good about myself, and I haven’t felt like that in so long.”

Kochanski saw him swallow hard, bracing himself for what he was going to say next. “The booze started out as smokescreen. It was part of that whole ‘I don’t care’ act. ‘Yeah, I’m a slob. Yeah, I drink and smoke and I’m not changing for anyone.’ And also kind of a test, I suppose, to see how much you’d put up with.” He gave her a quick shameful glance, “To see if you really meant it when you said you loved me. After a while it became more than that. It was a crutch. It helped to numb all the bad stuff I was feeling – not just about us, but everything, our whole situation, and once you hit that point it’s only a matter of time before it stops being a crutch and starts being a problem. By the time I realised that, it was already too late.”

“You know, I could have coped if it was just the drinking,” she told him quietly. “Picking you up when you fell down, helping you into bed when you were ready to pass out, finding blankets to wrap around you when you didn’t quite make it. It was hard and it was painful, but I could have lived with it if I’d known I was doing it for a reason.” Her throat tightened. “But you shut me out. Every time I held you, you were the first one to let go. When I told you I loved you, I never got anything back but a smile. I couldn’t understand it. With all of our history, all the years of longing looks and everything else, I _knew_ you had feelings for me. But once we were together they all seemed to evaporate. All of a sudden it was just sex. It hurt.”

“I’d trapped myself in a downward spiral I couldn’t get out of,” Lister said. “The more you tried to help me, to show me that you cared, the harder I tried to prove that I didn’t.”

“But _why_?”

Lister stared down at his hands, unable to look at her. “Because it was easier to pretend I didn’t love you than to accept you’d never love me the same way.”

He closed his eyes, as if the pain of the admission was too much, “And I made a good job of it, didn’t I? I made such a good job of pretending that eventually I convinced you. I pushed you away and pushed you away, until in the end I pushed you right out the door.” His voice cracked and she saw tears slip down his cheeks. He finally lifted his head and forced himself to look at her. She saw shame and regret shining from his velvety brown eyes. “But I _did_ love you. I’ve _always_ loved you. And I still do.”

He sniffed, reigning back the tears and lifting his chin up, “I’ve wasted so much time, but I don’t want to waste any more. You told me ambition is about fighting for what you want. Well, I’m sitting here now and telling you that I’m ready to fight for us. I’m never going to be Mr Darcy, I’m never going to be your Dave, I might never be the man you really want, but that’s okay. I can still be a man that you deserve. If you’ll have me.”

Kochanski glared at him in furious frustration, fighting back tears of her own. “You still don’t get it do you? What is _wrong_ with you?” Lister did a slight double-take, surprised by her anger. “I rugby-tackled a gigantic angry xenomorph for you today, you mookle, and you’re still going to sit there and act like you’re just the emergency backup in case my smegging vibrator batteries fail? What more do I have to do?”

“It doesn’t matter. What I’ve realised is that you don’t _have_ to feel the same way I do. You don’t have to want me more or need me more to make this worthwhile, or to make _me_ worthwhile. This isn’t a competition. What matters is that I do everything I can to be the best person I can, so that I’m worthwhile all by myself.”

“It does matter! It matters to _me_! After everything we’ve been through together over the years, why can’t you accept that I truly love you? Why is it still so hard for you to believe that what we have is real?”

Lister shrugged sadly, “I suppose because we were thrown together through chance rather than choice; and given the choice I think you’d still be with your Dave.”

“And given the choice, you’d still be with the girl you bought this necklace for three million years ago,” she reached inside her t-shirt and pulled out the silver pendant on its tarnished chain. Lister gazed at it wistfully. “But neither of us have that choice. And in the end, it’s not really a choice at all. The way I see it, I’m still that girl and you’re still that boy. I remember the day you gave me this, same as you do. You _are_ my Dave, just as much as ‘my Dave’ ever was. Yes, I loved him. I still do. But that’s because I love _you_ , whether you’re humming along to opera or strumming rock music on a battered old guitar. The differences you’re so hung up on, they don’t really mean anything. Yes, it would be nice if you sat and listened to ‘La Boheme’ with me one day. Shared interests are nice. But they aren’t what I fell in love with. Those things stay the same, whatever dimension you’re in.”

                She looked at his face and saw the uncertainty there as he weighed up her words. She got out of her chair and went to him, perching lightly on his lap and taking his face in her hands. “I love your eyes and your smile and your silly soft heart. I love that you’re rebellious enough to break the rules and soppy enough to do it for a fluffy kitten. I love that you give me the best sex I’ve ever had, and the best cuddles too.” _That_ earned her the beginnings of a genuine smile. “I’m sorry I left,” she told him. “That was cowardly of me. It was painful to watch you self-destructing, but I was angry too. I felt useless and I felt rejected and I couldn’t handle it. Part of me hoped it would shock you into doing something, and I suppose it kind of worked. Eventually. But Rimmer’s right, I should have been there for you and I wasn’t.”

“Rimmer?” Lister’s face creased in confusion.

“He may be an insufferable git but, believe it or not, he does actually care about you.” Lister saw a strange expression flit over Kochanski’s face. She gave him a strange, almost sad smile and stroked his hair gently, “I think he cares more than either of us ever realised.”

“News to me.”

“Me too. But he wasn’t wrong, for once.”

Kochanski lay her head gently against Lister’s, still stroking the back of his neck. “You and me, we’re important. Not just because we’re the last two humans alive, but because we have a unique connection; more so than any other two people in history. This crew - this little posse of ours – is a working unit and we’re all part of that, but _we_ are so much more. We’ve been each other’s wild crazy affair and each other’s ‘one that got away’. We’ve been each other’s hopes and dreams when it seemed like everything was lost. When there’s danger we face it together, and we work together to fight it. I’d die for you and you’d die for me. We’ve been lovers and we’ve been friends and everything in-between.  We are husband and wife, and mother and father, and mother and son. We are each other’s _everything_ , and the universe has tied itself into knots to bring the two of us together; and however hard things were, I should have stood by you.”

She tilted his face up so he was looking into her eyes. “I’m sorry that I hurt you,” she said solemnly, “And I’ll forgive you for everything that’s happened if you’ll forgive me too. We’ve both been stupid. But if we’re going to get back together and really _be_ together this time, then I need you to do something for me. I need you to believe in us. I need you to believe me when I say how much I love you, because if the last two days have taught me anything, it’s that I don’t want to lose you again. Not to another woman, not to a big scary monster, and not to a bottle of whisky.” She touched her forehead to his. “So tell me now; can you do that? Can you believe it?”

She felt Lister squeeze her with his good arm. “Yeah,” he said softly, nuzzling his nose against hers, “I think I can finally believe it.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I love you too.” They shared a kiss. When it ended, Kochanski looked down at him. He looked happy but his smile was a little awkward.

“What?” she asked, “What is it?”

“Nothing,” he said.

“Dave…”

“It’s nothing! But…” he glanced away and back again, embarrassed, “…did you really have to bring up the whole being-my-mum thing? I really try not to think about that.”

She chuckled quietly and wrapped her arms around him, relieved. “It’s not ideal but we’ve gotta live with it.”

“It’s okay. I’ve actually been watching a TV show that’s made me feel a little bit better about the whole thing.”

“Really?” she raised an eyebrow.

“We’re on season three now, but I’ll catch you up. You’ll like it.”

“Interesting.” She slipped off his lap and coaxed him out of the chair. “Then let me grab the last of my stuff and let’s get home. You need a few days of bedrest, we can watch your show while you’re recovering.”

“Yes, mum.”

“Stop it.”

                She crossed the room and retrieved a few more books from the shelf she’d been looking at when he came in. She tucked most of them into her travel bag, which she zipped and threw over her shoulder, but kept hold of one. “Just so you know,” she told him playfully, “ _Pride and Prejudice_ isn’t actually my favourite novel.”

“It isn’t?”

“No.” She pushed the book she held into Lister’s grasp and he took it from her. The cover illustration made him blink. “ _Lady Chatterley’s Lover_?” he asked tentatively. Kriss gave him an oddly knowing smile. “I think you’ll like this one better than the Jane Austen,” she said with a meaningful look as she headed out of the door. Lister looked back at the cover and raised his eyebrows. It certainly looked more promising. He followed her out of the door, his heart lifting as the two of them finally headed home together. “Does this one have any car chases in?” he asked hopefully.


End file.
